Satu Seraya

The title is the name of her class. Don’t ask me what seraya means. I’ll aks Frasier..he’ll know. My baby is growing up so fast. Yesterday was Hannah’s first day of orientation to the big girls’ school. My heart swelled up with all sorts of emotions. I was touched by the whole commotion. It brought tears to my eyes. This is a new milestone for me. The milestone that opened a door for her to leave and explore the world by herself. I fear for a lot of things, as my primary school days weren’t that wonderful. It was a struggle between getting good grades, getting dad’s approval on my grades and dealing with how I look. I was a late bloomer, I wasn’t and still not the beautiful type so it was hard. Hannah is pretty and she’s fair and not dark like me so I hope she’ll do better in the social category. Most importantly, I hope it’ll boost up her confidence. Because living in this competitive world, confidence is a need that you can’t do without. I was at her school for the orientation, as usual, she’ll turned into this quiet little girl when we left her in her class. I don’t have a good feeling about the school. I am so used of CEC and I can’t help but to compare. I shouldn’t really because CEC is a kindy and it’s private. This is a public school we are talking about. Of course there’ll be some downsides. Many actually. I stayed for an hour for the briefing and went to work because they didn’t let us wait. I kept myself busy. I wanted to cry but I calmed myself down. It’s just the first day of school. I ‘ll cry when she graduated from college.
At night, after the orientation, when we were about to sleep, Hannah had problem closing her eyes. She talks to me before she sleeps, of late. That night after the orientation, she was fussing about how dark it was. That reminds me, I need to buy a night light for her. She drew the curtains so that some light can sneak in. Then she asked me to hug her. After awhile, when I heard even breathing, I pulled my hand and she startled me by asking “do you think there are monsters mummy?”. I told her that there are no monsters. If there is then I have super powers and I can get rid of monsters in a jiffy. She smiled and closed her eyes. I think she’s anxious about going to the new school. Deep down I know that she knew that she needs to go through this alone and that I wont be there to keep her company. She’s a smart cookie.
This morning was her actual first day of class. I stayed till lunch time. I needed to monitor her find her ride after school. It was heartbreaking seeing her dragged her feet searching aimlessly for us. She was supposed to find her ride, we had told her and we had rehearsed it many times. I hid behind one of the walls, looking at her from far. I followed her to see if she’d go to the place she was suppose to wait for her ride. She walked reluctantly towards it but somehow instinct told her that she needed to turn back. She turned back and saw me and my sis. She almost ran back and she hugged me and cried. She said she tried to find us but to no avail. She hugged and cried. I almost shed tears but I stopped myself. I needed to be strong. I told her that she’s a big girl now and she needs to be independent and find her ride because I am not going to be there tomorrow. She nodded but tears were still streaming from her eyes. Gosh! This is so hard. I wish I could just shield her from all this. I was thinking about all the bullying cases and also hideous crimes involving young girls, it made me cringed with fear. Mom once told me that I have to learn to let go and have faith in God because if not we wont have a peace of mind. There’s no use of worrying constantly but prevention is always better than cure. That’s why I am taking necessary precaution. There are a lot of evil people out there. She’s just a baby. I’d go crazy if anything happens to her. Anyway, after the crying episode, she was ok. It takes an ice cream to heal all wounds. It doesn’t matter if it’s Haagen Dass, Ben and Jerry, Walls or McD’s vanilla sundae. There’s something about the icy, cold, sweet and smooth cream that can cool down anger and sadness, ultimately lifting spirits. It puts a smile on Hannah’s face after that. I am happy that she’s happy but I am a tad worried about tomorrow. H said that he’ll go and monitor during lunch time. That put an ease to my nerves. I hope that it’ll be ok. I pray that she’ll have fun and find the joy of learning at the start of this new beginning of her life. I pray that she’s safe through her journey of discovery. If ever she’s derailed, I pray that there’ll be moonlight to guide her home to me. Adios!