Big Girls School

Hmm… I almost dreaded for this day but it has arrived anyway! Yep. Hannah is starting big girls’ school in about 15 days to be exact. I feel really strongly that she’s growing up a little bit too fast. I can still remember the time when she had just arrived into this world, lying on my tummy, looking at me with those beautiful eyes and blinking. She wasn’t crying. She was too fascinated with the world. Now she’s talking and running and trying out her new school shoes. She’s so excited to go to her big girls’ school. She wanted to grow up and be like me. She says that every other day. Last night I was watching The Suite Life with her.So what’s newJ I was folding the cleaned laundry while watching. Been doing a lot of laundry lately. I just don’t know how other women do it. You work and then you come back and do more work. Without supplements, I don’t think I’d have any energy. So my secret to this whole balancing act is that in my previous life I was in a circus but supplements! Pure and simple, bottles of vitamins Bs, Cs, Ds, Es and the whole nineyards. Okay back to The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. There is a scene where Cody is talking to his mom about letting go of the hawk that has been taking refuge on their balcony. Cody has grown attached to the hawk that he almost didn’t want it to go away- to fly away and be free. The talk they had had moved me to tears. The mom related a story to Cody about how when she was young and wanted to leave home, her mother had let her go, even though it was hard for her to do so. Cody’s mom asked Cody to do the same with the Hawk because it belongs out there in the world and not cooped up on a balcony or in a zoo for that matter. Then the mom said that sooner or later, she would have to do the same thing with Cody and Zack. Cody asked what if the hawk doesn’t make it. Then the mom said ‘that’s a chance that I have to take, the same chance my mom had taken with me’. That’s when the tears came. I wish that Hannah will stay with me forever but I know soon I will have to let her go and experience the world by herself. I need to let her make her mistakes and learn form them. I need her to live her own life. I know I am being melodramatic about it. I guess I have been when it comes to Hannah. She’s my heart and soul! My best friend. Weird you say because she’s only 6 but she gives her opinion on what I wear and she hugs me and kisses me when I am sad. I can talk to her about little things that happened at work. If that doesn’t constitute as friendship then I don’t know what is. She is fixated to be ME. Just like when I was young, my mom was my idol. She still is. I wanted to be her. Literally. I had wished back then that I was as fair as her. I hated my skin color back then but I have been ok with it since before Syracuse. When I was in Syracuse, it reaffirmed my belief that I am special in my own way and I am different from the rest. Syracuse is not only filled with white snow most of the time but also is being inhibited by mostly white Caucasian males and females. I stood out from the rest and I didn’t realized this until Vic pointed it out. Thank you my friend. So it’s not a surprise that Hannah wanted to be me. I have always wanted to be my mom, to have her height, her voice. She has the loveliest voice. Hmm…it’s funny how I am the object of admiration now. Anyway, I wrote today. It’s a story, continuation from last night’s prologue. A story about Hannah.

Hannah II
All these cues have been forcing me to remember that the time is near
For me to let you go
Let you be the big girl that you crave to be
It pains me to even think of the day
To let you be out there into the world
Alone,
without me
to put a jacket on you
when it gets too cold
to hold your hand when you are crossing the road
To wipe the chilli sauce off your mouth after eating
To accompany you to the little girl’s room when need be
To just be with you.
But I know soon, I will have to let you go
Experience the world as you want to
To let you grow up and be a woman
To live through life…
Your life,
This is an inevitable milestone that i have to face
But
Till that fateful day comes,
I pray to GOD to let me be there for you..
For,
I will shower you hugs and kisses
I will talk to you more
I will let you smother me with all your big hugs and sloppy kisses
I will be your best friend
As you will be mine-to infinity and beyond
We will continue learning together
Just like the other day when we learned about ‘fog’
I will be your ‘smelly bolster’
As you will be mine forever
For without you, sleep will never come.
I will guide you
I will teach you
I will hold your hand
I will keep you warm
I will be there when you move from Mary Jane’s to Stilettos
I will comfort you and shoo away all the bad dreams
Fight away all the monsters and demons
Because all mummy-s have super powers
So we can fight demons and defeat monsters!
I will blow all your pain away
I will shield you from hurt
I will be there for you
We’ll explore new frontiers together
the ocean is next on our list..
We’ll have many more girlie days
We’ll bake more cakes and cookies together
We’ll go for more pony rides
We’ll walk together more often
We’ll do our hair together
We’ll dance and sing more
We’ll do gardening together
We’ll play in the rain more
We’ll go shopping and I guess we’ll never be too old to shop!

Please know that you will never be too old to get my hugs and kisses
Please know that you will never be too old to talk to me
Please know that you will never be too old to just sit next to me
Please know that you will never be too old to hold my hand
As long as the sun sets on the horizon and the moon keeps climbing up the ladder of the sky
As long as I am me and you are you
As long as I know how and I am able to
Please remember that…
Remember in your heart that
Mummy loves you sayang!