scribbles and poems

I have written this a couple months back. It was cumulative for a period of time. I had a wild imagination. It was inspired by movies, people around me, boring, dead invigilation halls. So enjoy!


Broken Promises
I am going through the same road tonight
But this time around, it was with you
It’s raining
Everything is gloomy, blurry
My thoughts were of us
How quiet our journey home has been
There weren’t enough laughter or exchanging of meaningful words
Both of us were glued to our own private thoughts
Subconsciously we are closing our eyes to each other
When we realized that,
We immediately focus our attention to the first thing that catches our eyes.
Then an insignificant comment will follow suit
Just to kill the awkward silence I guess

It’s different when I was going through the same dark road with him
It was still blurry and dark
But full of plethora of emotions
We were connected in literally everything
Engaging dialogues
The intensity
Urgency
The touch, kisses
The plea
The broken promises
The Heartbreak
All were engaging, mesmerizing and intoxicating
All were real
Forcing me to participate
Except that
He is not you.














I had to invigilate the morning after the manic Sunday. I was tired, didn’t get enough sleep. To combat sleepiness I penned down some words in the process. Inspired by Robert Loveman’s poem, which has the same title. It’s one of my favorite and I guess I was hoping that it’ll rain daffodils and roses as depicted in “The rain Song” poem by Robert Loveman. Unfortunately it was far from roses and daffodils that night. So here goes.


It’s not raining rain

It’s not raining rain for me
It’s raining of glass hearts
Falling and shattering into a million sparkly pieces
Hurting the eyes that witness it

It’s not raining rain for me
It’s raining of suppressed tears and emotions
Every drop has its piece of the story to tell

It’s not raining rain for me
It’s raining of fury
All hitting the earth with a vengeance of rage
Pounding and hurting the ground

It’s not raining rain for me
It’s raining of profound sadness
Dispersing around the atmosphere
Heartrending the gloominess all over the horizon

It’s not raining rain for me
It’s raining of unanswered questions
Each drops filled with questions demanding for answers
Deafening to the ears

It’s not raining rain for me
It’s the downpour of my heart!










After yet another uneventful invigilation and I scribbled the poem below in the process of the 3-hour invigilation period. I haven’t coined a title for this yet but I think I am going to let be untitled.



In a room full of people
You and I are like two strangers
That had never crossed each other’s path
There’s this unexplained void between us

In a room full of people
We can just be another man and woman
Who were brought together by chance
Not planned.

Who’d thought that we’ve been lovers?
Who’d thought that you’ve touched every inch of my skin?
Who’s thought that I had explored every nooks and crannies of your body and mind?
Who’s thought that we had been so close as to finish each other’s sentence?
Who’d thought that I could read your mind most of the times and vice versa
Who’d thought of us together?

Mrs Wash-a-lot

Hmm… I remembered being an avid fan of Enid Blyton’s stories. Hitherto, I still love all the enchanting fairy tales and wonderful stories written by the esteemed author. Mrs Wash-a-Lot is one of the characters who lives in the enchanted forest up on the faraway tree if I can still get my tales rightJ Anyway, I felt like Mrs Wash-a-lot the last three days. It seems like a lifetime of washing and folding clothes. I have been away for manay months prior and I have been living in a suitcase then. Now it’s time to deal with all the dirty laundry. So that’s how I became Mrs. Wash-A-lot. I took leave from Raya Haji till a day after Christmas. On the 24th, I came to work because I don’t think I could stay another day at home, washing and folding clothes. I need to do something that can stimulate my mind. It’s not that I don’t find doing housework stimulating and a good exercise but for three whole days in a row! A bit too much. It doesn’t help when my in lawas are in the house either. H told me that they are coming on raya eve. That night after work, we went to buy ketupat, serunding and the whole nine yards of raya food goodies. Since the price of the rending was astronomical, H suggested that I cook for Raya. I agreed. So we bought two whole chicken and I cooked rendang on raya day. The eve was spent till 2am cleaning, vacuuming and mopping the house till it is spick and span. The in laws came around lunch time. The sister in law stayed till tea and she took off with two of her children and her husband of course to the husband’s sister’s place. It was left,just my mom in law and H’s niece in the house with us. My mom-in-law had just recovered from a back injury, so she doesn’t want to walk a lot. So we are stuck at home. H was working the Friday after raya. I stayed home with my guests. I cooked the second day and did more laundry. Folded more clothes and I watched a lot of TV. I was supposed to go out with Lisa on that Friday but it was cancelled. We wanted to cancel completely but Saturday came and I couldn’t stand just sitting at home and do more laundry, so we planned for an outing on Sunday. Saturday I picked up a book and started reading. I felt a bit worthy of myself then. Sunday came, I went out with Lisa. We spent 6 solid hours, just walking, shopping and talking. We needed to catch up with all the stories that has been happening in the last 6 months that we haven’t seen each other. There were loads! Some terrifying ones! Anyway, it was a refreshing diversion from doing laundry. I came back at around 7pm and H called to say that we were going out for dinner to celebrate his niece’s birthday. She is 14. She likes reading romance novels, mostly the malay ones. She’s tip-toeing into English romance novels. So I went to get her one for her birthday. The selection was a bit limited. I wanted to introduce to her the romance novel gradually and not scare her and her mom with it. The titles and the cover of the novels were all sexually inclined. They have titles such as the sheikh’s captive bride, the pregnant princess, the lord’s seduction and Christmas baby! What in the hell is going on? I remembered when I started reading Mills and Boon or Sweet Dreams, they have decent titles and novel covers. All the covers depicted a woman wearing flimsy nighties in the arms of a shirtless muscular man. How can I give those books to her. The mom will kill me and labeled me as a bad influence in her naïve, innocent daughter. I spent a good half an hour selecting carefully. I found one that’s decent enough and it’s entitled “Royal Weddings”. It entails three stories about prince and princesses love stories. *Sigh* I didn’t know finding a book for a teenager can be so hard. I cringe with fear, on what kinds of books that’ll be out there when Hannah is that age. I’ll cross the bridge when I get there. After all that, we went home and somehow I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned till 2am then only sleep come. Monday, I was at work and time flies like a private jet. Before I know it, it was 4 pm. I got some work done. Alex was there too. So I wasn’t alone. Okay gotta run.

Merry Christmas!!!

My hairy McDreamy

Hmm…. How’s that for a title? Anyway, I did something that I had never imagined of doing before. Okaylah..i have imagined it before but didn’t realize that it will become a reality so soon. Okay, I’ll get to it. I went out for a double date with Zoey and Christopher last Friday. It was for a movie. How did I get myself into that predicament? Hmm..it started with a friendly sms about work a couple of months back. It was to Zoey. She replied my sms and started being polite by asking where I was and what was I doing. I told her then I had watched a movie with H and Hannah. She shared with me some of the movies she had watched with Christopher. Somehow before I realized what was going on, she had invited me to her house, right there and then. Hmm…I turned down the offer and just to be polite I told her that one of these days we’ll go for a movie or something together. That was the start of my many double dates with them. It was okay. We had fun, I think. Hannah did. We went to watch ‘Enchanted’ on Friday. I know Christopher won’t have a problem with the movie because Hannah and He clicked like old friends the minute they saw each other. The movie started in a cartoon version and then after about 15minutes , we were seeing real people and princesses. No more cartoon. I caught a glimpse of Zoey and she turned and smiled at me. I had this uneasy feeling that she didn’t really like the movie. Oh well..it’s a learning experience, we’ll improve on our choice of movies soon. It’s a compromise. It’s just that after seeing the gazette, Hannah had wanted to watch it. Okay..okay I wanted to watch it too because of McDreamy! He was different in Enchanted and I discovered that he has chest hair! Haha! I remembered Alex and her obsession with chest hair! Anyway, there is this scene where the princess is pissed off with McDreamy for always being negative and for always saying ‘No’. Hmm… so familiar! It so happens that McDreamy has just gotten out of the shower , don in a bathrobe only. As they were having that conversation about how negative he really is, the princess got angry, an emotion which is so foreign to her being a fairytale princess and all, who is forever happy, cheerful and always filled with positive attitude.She ended up laughing after feeling the anger. She was overwhelmed by it. When she realized that that was the first time she was feeling that emotion, she laughed. Talk about positive attitude indeed. Some people would just say plain crazy but I am not that kind of person. I live by my sesame street wisdom.Ha! And that was then that she touched McDreamy’s hairy chest. I think I didn’t realized that I had said these words out loud “ oh my God! He has hairy chest..hairy chest”. I froze until Hannah shook me and asked “ is it over yet mummy?”. She said it with one of hands covering her eyes. That brought me back to reality. I have never seen McDreamy’s chest hair before. There were a lot of steamy scenes in Grey Anatomy but somehow why didn’t I notice the chest hair? It’s puzzling to me because something so there and I didn’t notice it. Why? And why now has it become evident? Hmm… questions and more questions about chest hair. Interesting topic on a Wednesday afternoon! Anyway, enough about chest hair. The story about the double dates didn’t just end there. After the movie, Zoey asked if we want to follow them to Genting on Sunday. H said that he had promised his sister to go over her house. I didn’t say anything. Saturday come and H said that he had cancelled the trip to his sister’s place and asked me to call Christopher and Zoey and tell them that we will be going with them to Genting. I blinked at him a couple of times before responding. I told H, that we want to think about this first. This is such a big step we are taking; we don’t want to be irrational in making this major decision. Nah….all that came out of my mouth after the blinking was “ are you serious?” He was serious. I didn’t want to be a killer of everybody’s fun. Hannah and H were all psyched up to go to Genting. So we went with them. Frankly it was fun. We took Hannah for all her rides and they went to have theirs. We met during lunch and tea break. We had dinner at the much talked about Damansara uptown as the grand finale of the second double date in three days. We had good food though. We reached home at 11pm. Twelve hours of spending time with them has made me look at them differently. They are good people. Christopher has the potential to be a dotting father just like H. Zoey is a fast learner about how to treat a child. She has the patience to be a great mom. I am not surprised when Hannah wanted to follow them to the carousel without us. H and I waited for her to turn back when she realized that we weren’t going with them. Normally she would, she would ask if we were going also. If I said that we weren’t then she wouldn’t want to follow. She didn’t ask this time. We waited for the longest time and she didn’t turn back. Suddenly we were the ones that felt lost without her. H kept on pestering me to call every 5 minutes, to ask if Hannah is ok. I called and Zoey said that she’s fine. Fifteen minutes later we returned to find Christopher accompanying Hannah on a carousel for the second time while Zoey was taking pictures of them. It was a happy sight. I am glad that I did this. I am glad to have gone on these double dates. It was an eventful weekend for us. A new milestone reached. A great many more to come. This is a start of a beautiful friendship. Chao! Have a great long weekend, Happy Eid-Adha and Merry Christmas everybody!

Third and Fourth Dives

(The photo- I am the one in the middle kneeling on the bottom of the sea) The third dive, I equalized every second of the way down. We used the anchor rope as a guide. I reached the bottom with a breeze. I followed the instructor. He showed me a few pointers which I had gotten immediately. Later after the 3rd dive, he told me in front of everyone that I had improved 100%. Of course I am happy! I was able to move along side my instructor. I saw a few big flowery corals and of course it won’t be complete without the pesky blue fish.I saw an intriguing blue, green and yellow fluorescent fish. I witnessed up close and personal how nemo was trying to hide in his anemone. I saw his grumpy face too because we were hovering around his home. I was stopped dead on my tracks..oh well mid way in the water that is by a giant garoupa. It was lazing around on the sand at the bottom of the sea. It was a mind-blowing sight. We went to the 12 meter level and I have set my eyes on a lot of the wonderful creature of the sea. It was an exploration that I don’t want to end. I want it to go on forever. We break for lunch and dived again after that. Our final dive before the certification. We touched down nearly 15 meters deep. The final dive saw everyone following the instructor like a swarm of underwater bees..if there’s such a thing! I forgot to give a mention about my dive buddy. He was a good dive buddy. I am sea-ing him in a new light. He checked my equipment without fail everytime before a dive. When I look at the back, he was always nearby. He is a great dive buddy. I wouldn’t mind going for more dives with him in the near future. As we were moving together as a group there was this big boulder in front of us. It was incredible how we need to maneuver ourselves around it and that required skills! We did it with ease. I spotted a lion fish and I was puzzled as the instructor was signaling ‘danger’ to us. Later I found out that lion fish is 8 times more poisonous than scorpions. Hmm... Staggering revelation! I witnessed more nemos, flowery and brain(it looks it) corals and a swarm of yellow fish. More big beigy fish and of course pesky blue was always there. I was so relaxed and calm that I didn’t want to leave. Time stood still when you are underwater. Before I knew it, my buddy was signaling that he was low on air. We quickly informed the instructor and he made preparation to ascend. We had gone down nearly 15 meters deep and during ascending we had to stop at the 5 meter level to clear our system of any nitrogen build up. We stayed at the 5 meter level for 3 good minutes then only we fully ascended. I love the gloomy and calm feeling. I am addicted to this. Can’t wait to go for my first fun dive. I talked to Dean and he said that it’s good to get out from your routine and go do something like this. I remembered when we were in the tiny boat, rocking back and forth, I mention to Sam that I will do this because this is one of the 100 things to do before I die. Sam shushed me and asked me not to talk about dying especially in our condition then. It is funny remembering it now. He laughed when I reminded him about it. I am glad that I did it. It was fun and it is a sense of personal achievement to me. Alex was jokingly trying to scare me by kept on reminding me that if I found a ship wreck and at the window if I see a face pressed on the window paint, remember her and laugh. It made me chuckled every time I think about that but under water when you chuckle you forget to breathe so I was biting my lips not to laugh. The funny part was I kept thinking of the lyrics of I who have nothing. It’s a sad song until the lyrics goes “nose pressed against the window paint” imagine that. It’s kindda funny. Next mission- ship wrecks! Congratulations to me! I needed the diversion! It was a good one! Chao!

First and Second dives

Yep! I had gone through it. It was a dive into an ocean of uncertainties and enigma. However it was magical and I didn’t realize where the courage came but before I know it I was taking the plunge into the ocean. Once in the water, all the seasickness fled and I was calmed and composed being swayed by the waves in a persistent lullaby. Once we descended into the ocean, I saw the corals up close and personal. I think I might have hurt some in the process of stabilizing myself. Thank god it was hard corals and they are a bit sturdy. They were brown in color. Our first dive was in the Japanese garden. The water was choppy and strong currents were pushing us out of balance even when we were kneeling on the sea ground. There were multi colored and reef fishes. It was amazing and I was stunt by the whole God’s creation. To be able to swim along side the fishes and other sea creatures was already mind boggling. The dive master pulled my hand forcing me to touch the anemone and it was nemo’s! It was an astounding feeling! I marveled at the pesky blue fish which was checking me out. He must be thinking, what is this giant thing swimming in my sea. I caught a glimpse of a sea urchin. It was quite big and the instructor had signaled to us ‘danger’ pointing at the urchin. Astonishing really! To be so close to this creature when you normally see them in National Geographic. We were in there for a good half an hour before the water became too choppy. The current was so strong that it kept pushing us farther. We had to ascend to the surface. It was a remarkable experience for a newbie like me. After lunch we proceeded with the second dive. I forgot to equalize and experienced a bad ear pain. It took a couple of descend attempts before I managed to go down to the 6 meter level. Only then I discovered that I was the only one at the bottom. I saw Sam and Lina on top of me. I wanted to wander off alone but then I remembered that I need to stick with my buddy. At that exact point of time he was trying to help Lina whom her partner had left her be. So I ended up playing around that area, looking at the corals and trying to catch the fish that crossed my path. I did that for quite awhile until the dive master signaled us to ascend. When we were in the apartment, my ears were still hurting. I guess when you don’t equalize at every meter, you put pressure to your ear drums and that caused the pain. Anyway, I had a really good night sleep that night, with the rocking lullaby of the waves and sea. Dreaming and hoping that the next two dives will be better.(picture: the beautiful but poisonous lion fish)

Nemo's friend

I need to buy a picture dictionary of all the sea creatures. This is a photo of Nemo's friend that i had bumped into during my 3rd dive. Beautiful eh? I love it!

dealing with changes

The office atmosphere is filled with new changes. I find it hard to keep up. It doesnt help when i am dealing with my own challenges. I need the presence of good friends to help me get through this changes. I miss Dean's comforting gaze and reassuring words. I am hoping that my friends wont bail out on me because in a time like this you need your closest friends to help you get around. Just like after a good dive, i noticed that i had cuts and bruises on my knees and ankles. It must be me brushing up againts some corals or fish. I was hynotized by the whole journey that i failed to notice that i got hurt along the way. When i finally realized , it was too late. The cuts and bruises were already there. Like you said, they will heal. Only time will tell. Hmm... I pray and hope that we will get through this changes in one piece, with few minor scrathces , nothing major, nothing that a colorful band-aid can't cure and as an added bonus , we'll learn something new.Amen!