Just plain rude!

I am a bit numb now. It’s childish I know but what happened a minute ago, brought me back to my teenage years when my dad asked my brothers to tear up all my posters in my room including posters of Perry King( I know..i’m different), David Copperfield(another one..i know) and NKOTB (ahh…I’m normal!) and many more. I was devastated because it was difficult to collect all the posters then. I was heartbroken and hurt that I cried all night. One of my brothers who participated in the ‘tearing’ frenzy, saw how distraught I was, came up to me and said that he saved one poster for me and it was of David Copperfield and I still have that poster with me till now, 15 years later. Dad has his reasons, it may not be the best reason but at that time I didn’t do well in my exams and that was my punishment.
And 15 years later, I was dragged back in time when I saw my posters torn in the dustbin. I am not crying (like hello…)but a bit disturb by the idea of some stranger who were assigned to put up blinds on my door to cover the transparent glass, had the audacity to tear my posters away without getting my consent! I had those posters on the glass to shield myself from the piercing eyes of strangers and also to maintain my privacy which was required when you have to deal with 300 plus students. Today, the company decided that all rooms occupied by the management staff need to be decorated by the hideous blue boring blinds, to signify ….unity of some sort and also to hammer down all the ‘different’, glaring personalities(to them) that have stood out from the rest since the very beginning. If they think they can convert me into them by making me accept that hideous blue blinds, they are wrong and hallucinating! It’s just plain rude to not treat other people belongings with care. That’s just plain basic common sense. You don’t simply come in to someone’s room and tear their posters away because you just feel like it. I know..I’m over reacting but I am an adult and those are things that I like and that makes me, me! My hobbies of some sort. H got me three different sets and that poster was my favorite! Ok…it was a harry Potter’s poster and it was a two sided poster. According to one of my students who collects posters, those were rare ones.*Sigh* Anyway, no use trying to cry over spilled milk. But I will make some noise tomorrow because it’s just plain rude!*snort*!

On call

I got called again last night. It’s a weird feeling being on-call like this..i just can’t describe itJ I should do this part time and seriously considering of talking to Adrian about my computer service job- specialization: Computer software, broadband and Skype.Ok… I thought that I’d dropped by at Aunty’s house and in 10 minutes I should be done because they know which button to press now and all I need to teach them is to on the video so that they can see Chris. They can hear him but they can’t seem to be able to see him yet. I was there are 8pm. An hour and forty minutes later, I was at a coffee shop with them drinking coffee while talking and seeing Chris. Ok…I’ll tell you what happen. The broadband connection around the house area is very weak, so Chris’s voice was breaking throughout the 1 minute trial-out session. So he suggested that I take his parents to the coffee shop. So I did. They drove their car and followed mine, within seconds I lost them and I was driving like 40km/h and I stopped at the side of the road to wait for them. I panicked because they are new and I can’t have two elderly folks lost in Shah Alam can i? Not last night though. So I reached the coffee shop and called them. They picked up! YippY! They were somewhere at the square where the coffee shop is located. I could hear the commotion on how Aunty was driving and Uncle was talking to me and giving direction. It was chaos! I finally saw them and I asked them to stop at the side and I could see Aunty braking and stopping in the middle of the road and there were a few cars behind her and they stopped too ..waiting for her next move and nobody dared to overtake. I on the other hand was like a mad stockbroker with hand phone in hand and walking mindlessly in the dark towards the erratic car. Ok…after all that commotion, we managed to get a table in a jam packed coffee tiam. I got them started on skype and they finally get to see their son! It was a joyous occasion indeed! Then Aunty asked me the same question she asked the minute I stepped foot in their house an hour before “Do you want to drink something?”. I turned her down because I needed to pick up Hannah and I repeated the same answer I gave her before at the house and still I had to drink the cold orange drink she served me. At the coffee shop, i don’t know what happen, after my explanation, I saw hot milo being served in front of me. I prayed to GOD to give me patience and a peace of mind when my parents get to their age and wanted me to teach them how to play PS4 or something. Please please give me the patience and the creativity to explain and make them see what needs to be done. Anyway, They ordered dinner and I drank my hot milo while they talked to Chris. There were a lot of my students there. They must be puzzled seeing me with these two elderly Chinese couple in shorts. Anyway, life is filled with many surprises, mine especially. After everybody was happily chatting and drinking and eating and being merry, I thought that it’ll be easy for me to make my get away. It took me three attempts and two goodbyes to Chris then only I succeeded. I almost ran to the car, no…not because of them but because it was already 9.45pm and I haven’t pick up Hannah yet and she’ll be furious I thought. I reached the daycare center at 10pm and I was apologizing profusely to her and she smiled and said” you are just like a tortoise mummyJ” . Great! She was in a good mood. We laughed all the way to the car(I wish it was to the bank but the car is as good as the bank when it’s with my baby) and I had my chat with her about her day and when we reached home, it was time to sleep. A long hard but interesting day. Something I thought I’d share with you *yawn* this morning. Have a great Wednesday everyone.

Pine 38

Last night H surprised me when he took Hannah and me to this café cum bistro somewhere in Shah Alam. It’s a bit pricey but the food is good and comes in large portion. The ambiance promotes relaxation and peace which I welcome after a long hot tiring day. I was telling H how the lamb looks good. H said that they are known for that dish and he said the place was featured a couple of times in a number of newspapers. It serves western food and local delights and what makes it unique is that it injected a few traditional home dishes such as lempeng kelapa. We, Penangites call it roti nyok. It brought me back to the two-bedroom quarters in Glugor where every Sunday dad will make “roti nyok” and we will eat it with mom’s (the night before) “sambal tumis”. Hmm…yummy! M salivating as we speak! We ordered that as an appetizer and I had Spaghetti carbonara as my main course. And it comes with bacon shreds! Yummy! Chicken of course!
I noticed one thing unique about the place was that it was decorated with paintings of women with well-endowed physiques. Similar to those of Botero, Rubens and Matulavics. The subject theme was similar but those found in the bistro, the subjects were more decently clad and it was with an Asian influence. It’s unique! That alone has made my night interesting because it stands out from the rest of the places that I’ve been to eat. Furthermore it’s in Shah Alam, another unique characteristic. I told H about it and he said they talked about the paintings as well in the featured article and yes he said the theme of the paintings is large women. It seems that the owner is a fan of the artist. I was googling in the net in search of the artist but to no avail. I found Botero, Rubens and Matulavics. But I think those at the Bistro are from a local artist because if I’m not mistaken, in one of the paintings, the subject was clad in a kebaya. Fascinating eh?!. This is the spices in my life- appreciating the art of discovery!anad in this case the discovery is art;) Ok..i’m going to enjoy the rest of my weekend. I hope you do too. Have a great weekend everyone.

A good day

Yesterday was a good day for me. I remembered when I was leaving home, I told myself silently that I’ll make sure that nothing or no one would bring me down that day. A silent prayer made with a lot of hope I reached home rather early. It was a day before Hannah’s birthday. I told myself that today I will get my friend back and I will have fun and that it’ll be a great day. I made a couple of useless phone calls and then I decided to check my email. There it was, the much awaited letter! oh..God only knows how understated that statement is! “Much awaited” just don’t do justice to the horrifying times and the wait that I had to go through. You need to take that words multiply it by 100 of sleepless nights and then divide that by all the recurring nightmares that I was having the put that to a power of a 1000 for all the worries that manifested as a result of the wait and lack of sleep! Geez!. I remembered at H’s mom house, I had the same dream for three consecutive nights. I dreamt that I’d open my email and be confronted by a blank screen. All my messages have been deleted! The same for three nights! How spooky I know! Ok ok back to the letter. I got a confirmation of registration to Uni of Auckland! Cool eh! It has always been my first choice and I thank god for this. I called H and he was more ecstatic than me. I could hear it in his voice.
Surprisingly, I didn’t jump up and down or scream nonsensical sounding words or profanities for that matter. I printed it out the letter and made some more useless phone calls then off I go. Across the mountains and over the seas I seek for clarification! Ok looney! I needed to be a bit dramatic to justify all the depression and mood swings I had for the past six *&%*^%$& months! See no profanities just some signs and symbols that I felt like pressing. Anyway, after getting my clarification, I dropped by at Alex’s place and as normal, I didn’t a Kramer entrance and was a bit shocked and stopped dead on my tracks when I saw here entertaining this stranger. Hmm...come to think of it, she seems to be entertaining a lot of strangers lately. Weird! I stopped and she looked at me and then we were transported to an old Chaplin movie. No sound. Just me doing my little dance (no..not the chicken little dance yet. I was saving that for Hannah)in front of her and she smiled and laughed then she muttered silently the word congratulations and I bid her farewell. I felt as if I was walking on air. I still wasn’t filled with a whole of happiness just a big wave of relief swept inside of me and it created a welcoming numbness that has put me in mini trance like state. Until some heartless creature decided that it’ll be a good idea to rip all this welcoming numbness . In a split second I felt pain and sadness. I hate those feelings. I tried to find the welcoming numbness but I couldn’t. It was just pain and sadness. It felt as if I was losing a good friend. I prayed hard for some divine intervention and before long, it came. So by around 5pm, I started to feel the numbness back and happiness was creeping through. It was the best feeling. It was very calming and I know that if I were to sleep then it would have been a good and sound sleep. God knows how I long for a sound sleep. Now the possibility is bright. Anyway, no time for that now, too many things to be done. Hannah celebrations and party packs to prepare. I picked up Hannah around 9pm and the first thing I did when I saw her at the door of the nursery was told her that we are going and that I’ve got my letter. Then without any queue, both of us started doing the Chicken Little dance in front of all the other kiddies. After that both of us laughed. Then a little boy from the mini crowd raised his hand said “I want to follow too”. He’s so cute..He was the one who gave me a rubber octopus! I was so honored. A rubber octopus! That’s the biggest honor in kiddies land!
H and I finished shopping at 12midnight. Thank you Tesco for considering us – the busy, time-deprived poor parents. Slightly after midnight we sang happy Birthday to Hannah and then transformed a corner of our apartment into a mini production line to prepare fifty party packs! We finished doing that around 1am. Then I needed to prepare my things for the next day. By the time I laid down to sleep, it was already 2am. But it was a good day. I’m at peace with myself now. Happy Birthday baby! She won’t let me call her baby anymore, at least not in front of people. She kept reminding me that she’s a big girl now. You will always be that little girl I saw for the very first time covered in gooey on my tummy. Always!I love you baby! Happy seventh birthday my darling Hannah.

Interesting days ahead!

I have had a couple of interesting days lately. I don’t know if they are fit to be on the pantheon of interesting moment’s hall of fame but they were interesting enough for me. I had a berbuka puasa with students and colleagues a couple days back. It was two separate occasions happening on the same day. I felt importantJ Anyway, the one with the students went well and the staff too. After that, I had an emotional romping session and I cried. So what’s new? After the crying, I had an engaging discussion about the future of the country. I know! Eclectic indeed! Before going home, I bumped into Chris and Zoey. They were cleaning Zoey’s office as they are relocating to the UK. We talked and I realized that I had no make up on and my tear-stricken face coupled with swollen eyes must not be very appealing at all. But I thought to myself, it was almost 11pm and who cares! On the way home, I had to stopped at the mamak stalls because Hannah called and said she’s hungry. I bought her, her favourite dish and rice, the cashier made small talk asking about Hannah and al. He’s nice to Hannah. Whenever we go there to eat, he never fails to give her sweets. That’s why all her teeth are falling off one by one now!Kidding!. When I arrived at the stalls, there were a lot of people there having supper and mostly men. It made me feel a bit uneasy because I felt bare. But I brace through it. As I was leaving the stalls, a guy stopped me on my tracks when he said “only takeaways?” . It sounded much better after translating it in English. It sounded corny in malay. I stopped and looked and I realized that I don’t know him. He was looking at me and smiling. I smiled and shrugged and left. It was weird encountering such moments especially after a long emotional day and in the wee hours nearing midnight. Maybe people are much more friendlier during ramadhan?Nah! Anyway, yesterday I went lingerie shopping with H. No..not for me. After seven years of marriage, we feel that there are more important things to spend a couple of hundred on. I have 2-3 nice lingerie that I have only worn 3-4 times in the duration of our seven years of marriage. Don’t really need to. H gets turn on by just looking at me- fully clothed! Hehe…time is always the challenge though. Ok! We went lingerie shopping last night for Annie. She got married recently and it was so sudden that none of us was able to attend the ceremony. So I thought lingerie would be a nice gift. As we were looking, I saw one and took it off the rack and showed it to H and asked “ Ok yang, would you be turned on if I wear this?” H blinked a couple of times and then looked left and right before whispering “are you serious?” (I caught a hint of excitement in his voice). Then I said” no…no… this is for Annie not for me but I need a guy’s opinion”. Then I laughed out loud. He paused for a few seconds before joining me. So we bought the lingerie and left.
My final interesting moment would be when we visited the newly opened Tesco at our new house. Yeah..we are moving soon! The anxiety is freaking me out! We were planning to buy something for our berbuka but then we couldn’t decide on what to eat. Finally we settled on a new restaurant that serves nyonya and thai food. The owner has displayed a menu at the entrance and he approached us as we were looking and said “ you can tapau for your berbuka puasa”. I was a little shocked! It has taken a Chinese to identify me as a malay.Or H for that matter because he looks like a Chinese taiko. Once during puasa month we were offered to sample some food the outlet was selling. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, H took us to watch Walle and I couldn’t fast that day. I ordered food at the movie counter and the malay girl didn’t even blink an eye at me. She was recommending me more food and they serve hot food that you can eat while watching the movie. All you need to do is pay and give them your seat number and they will deliver your food to you. Cool eh! Ok..back to the story. On many occasions, I can eat in public during fasting month and people won’t stop and stare. On all occasions, the Malays will always identify me as an Indian and for those who hardly speak English would try their level best to speak the language when talking to me. So when that Chinese uncle acknowledged that, we knew we have made the right decision. The food was good and reasonably priced.
Those moments were interesting and made me stopped for a few brief moments to think. Interesting to me, they were (Yoda’s leftovers). I know that my days ahead will be interesting too. Alright…back to work now. I have been using enough tax payers’ money unnecessarily already. Adios! And Selamat Hari Raya everyone! Be safe and enjoy your holidays!

Living in the moment

Hi! I know I haven’t written in awhile. Been doing a lot of soul searching lately. What prompted me to write today is because I got a shocking phone call this morning from Alex about Jonah’s accident. The first thing Alex asked me was whether I had my hands-free device on. I was stopping at a red light and I quickly put my hands-free on. After that phone call, I continued driving to work, a little slower than usual. I had run many red lights before and later I found out, that was the cause of the accident. No..not Jonah, she’s a careful driver. Some hormone driven teenager with a kamikaze spirit who thought she could get away unscathed. Well she did but at someone else’s expense. Hmm..an eye opener for me. I told Alex, we have had many challenges this Ramadhan. There was a pause after that statement and then following by the cracking of laughter. We are a zany bunch. I haven’t been spending time with them lately. I was caught up with my old gloomy self. I have crawled out of the ditch, scathed and bruised mentally. I am broken and there are a lot of duck tapes plastered on my soul, mind and heart. I hate crying but I can’t help it in most instances. I’m done crying for now. Oh well no promises but at this point in time, the urge is not there. I’m going to start living in the moment. I’m collecting back my positive aura. I was clouded by too much negative aura the last couple of months and the peak of it was last Sunday. Now I’m on the mode to recovery. I am patching things up internally literally and figuratively. I need to be happy and leave the rest to GOD. It’s Ramadhan, the dark clouds have tainted my always magical and peaceful Ramadhan. When I was a child I love Raya and Ramadhan was a chore for me. It thrilled me to be playing fire crackers with the boys. I love watching mom and helping her makes kuih makmur-her specialty. And of course the green packs would make any child’s eyes twirl with joy. The significant milestone came when I was enduring my difficult and rebellious teenage years. That was when I started becoming a fan of Ramadhan. It’s the anticipation and the foreplay that excites me and of course the orgasm is great and all but it’ll last only the first half of the morning. Not the actual orgasm but the Raya mood that I’m comparing with reaching orgasm. Gosh! Very complex indeed!. I know, I’m curse for life for describing the holiest month of all with sexually connotes terms. But I think God has a sense of humor and knows that I mean well. Seriously! I do. I love this month, there’s always something magical and whimsical about it. It has always been magical to me. Back when I was in the two-bedroom quarters in Glugor. The atmosphere was always different during Ramadhan. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s more special. It puts a smile in my heart and invites all the positive vibes in me. Everyone is happier and nicer. Maybe it’s psychological but I noticed all this as I was growing up and hitherto, the feelings stay the same. My saddest moments would be the last hour of Ramadhan. The calling for Subuh Prayer the morning of Eid would be the most heart wrenching one. Yeah.. we have established with facts that I am weird and a little koo koo. So no point of going there again. The past two weeks of Ramadhan has been lackluster for me. I was too caught up in the rat race with myself (I know!) and I let the gloomy clouds engulfed me. That has prevented me from enjoying the true magic of Ramadhan. I’m glad that I’m out of the slump. Now I can enjoy the remaining half of Ramadhan. I am living in the moment. Living this day and month well with passion! Living in the moment. A forgotten revived mantra of mine! So..what are we waiting for…let’s start living in the moment!

Yoda’s love poem

Yep. too much time on my hand...this is the results of being idle and refusing to work. enjoy!



Compatible, we are
but Eternal bliss, we achieve not
For our relationship was wrong, in the beginning, too late we realized.
Go on with the course it led us, we did
Blind we are, as the fatal course of this relationship we can’t see
Challenges and hurdles, our faithful companions
Engaging dialogues we have, our treasure to keep, I believe
For every inch of your skin, I know by heart
An emotional mantra I have no qualms in memorizing
Disregard you and us, an impossible feat
Even for a master Jedi such as me
But you like the chirpy me, I sometimes thought
Chirpy, I cannot be
An iconoclast, I would be
My Jedi won’t have it, I am certain.
Melancholy and resolved with a serious mind , a master jedi, that I am
It’s required of me, a duty bestowed
Maybe Jedi and Human together, remain we cannot
Broken beyond repair, I am
Do or do not, I say, there is no try.
Regret us, do not. Mourn about us, do not.
For breathing you, I cannot stop
And romanticizing about us, I do still
I bid you farewell, my love.
For 900 years or more, as long the force is with me, as long as life creates,
As long as the force exists, surrounds and binds us
That is how long, be with you, I will
May the force be with us!

Cow Girl!

Alex said that I look like Martina Mcbride today. Not so much as look like her but the way I dressed, I looked like a country singer.That’s what she said. I laughed out loud to that remarks. I thought of trying something different. I wore my gypsy skirt and my brown boots. The skirt is a little shorter than the usual ones that I normally wear. Hannah’s remark was when she saw me with boots was “ Wow! Nice shoes mummy! I like it! You look like a cow girl!” I do and it’s refreshing to me to inject an element of quirkiness and fun to my wardrobe. I like it and that’s who I am. I like shoes and clothes. All that was missing was a horse,a saddle and a hat! My students didn’t give me a second look or anything or they didn’t stare or started running away laughing or anything like that so I regarded that as a silent approval. That they are ok with it in fact I had a very engaging class today but then again, that group always look like as if they are on dopamine or ecstasy or some kind of new age drugs or something. They are always participative and forever asking questions. Four hours are never enough. Today I was determined to finish my chapter and I did. Horray me! But then we didn’t have time to listen to their Jomeworks(I need to patent this or at least pun a registered trademark to this). In fact I had to ask them to try to refrain from asking so many questions. I know…that’s bad but I need to have some point of control in my class. They not only ask questions but they share their views and ideas and thoughts. My fault actually, I normally dig my own grave. I asked them to share their thoughts, ideas and views. I do that at the end of every class. I didn’t know that they will hang to my every word. I like the class but I need to be objective about it and I need to finish my syllabus. Some are asking me if we are going to do make up classes for all the future holidays! See…I told you so! Definitely drugs! Or maybe they are infected by mold. The spores have gotten to their mind. Help! We need some anti-biotic or something. Their passions are contagious, mind you. You can’t help but smile and thank god for students like them. Every lecturers dream comes true. After the class, I had a meeting and as I was walking to the meeting I saw Aidan. The ICT guy who look like Ali. A decent, down to earth kindda guy. He commented on my boots. Hehe. He said that it was nice. We chatted while walking and went our separate ways. His story has a sad turn to it. He was a smart boy. He had gotten into one of the local universities after doing his matriculation. He got involved with a wrong crowd and that was when he took part in illegal racing. He got caught by the police, thrown out of uni and the rest is details. He is a nice boy. Anyway, after that I went out for lunch and I saw people staring at my boots. Told myself that I don’t think I want this much of attention. So I need to seriously rethink of wearing this boots again. I came back and continue working till it was time to see Vicky. I have been postponing my appointment with her for many moons. When I was leaving, Zoey commented that I look like a country singer and as both of us were going to the parking lot, I muttered “ oh gosh, where did I leave my horse?” She smiled. So I left and Vicky said I look nice today. We chatted none stop, as she was telling me about her Bangkok trip and I was telling her about work mostly. I am such a boring person sometimes. I need to find more hobbies and I gotta stop talking about work. Oh yeah… I saw this strapless knee-length polka dot dress that would be perfect for Finns’ party. Yep…He’s having this get together at a seafood restaurant and the theme is ‘polka dots’. H will be away that few days … I’m kindda not looking forward to spending the night alone with Hannah in the house but I can do it!I will!I will ! I will!(I sound like Noddy)so I’ll bring Hannah with me. I need to find her a polka dot dress. This is so exciting…. Going to a party! That was the end of my cow girl day. Now it’s time to sleep! YeeHaa!

Rejoice

That is what I need to do. I have been a worry wart lately and have had many gastric attacks in a week. My body’s way of saying “snap out of it will ya..you are giving us gas and we have had enough!” I worry too much and lately it has magnified tenfold. The worries have manifested into nightmares! Vivid nightmares that I will remember the next day! Hm… bad huh! I worry about a lot of things…some petty but some are justified. I worry about not finishing my work…hmmm…that’s not a worry but is a permanent resident in my mind. I worry of not being able to manage my money well… hmm..that comes up once in awhile. I worry about my health but if it’s not of my gastric, I am as healthy as a horse….I need to find better similes. A horse? What was I thinking? This excessive gas is clouding my brain. I worry of not being able to take care of Hannah. Hmm… that has gotten a citizenship in the corner of my mind. I worry of losing my friends… hmmm but lately I have been ignoring them not intentionally but because of my other worries, I have been by myself a lot and I haven’t been spending time with them but I guess it’s true when they say absence will make the hearts grow fonder. Refreshingly, we see each other in the loo. Yep…. So Ally McBeal! We had real conversations in the loo. So don’t be surprised when I disappeared into the loo for more than half hour. Not because of something I ate. No..i just need some time alone with my friends ..to catch up on everyday happenings. Not a unisex loo but the ladies loo. But if you see me disappearing into the men’s room, then please don’t be alarm! It just means that we have run out of toilet paper and I need some. Men just don’t utilize toilet paper enough! I worry of not exercising enough…but lately I have been quite adamant and I would literally drop everything and just jump! In to the pool that is...with my swimsuit on of course! I worry of not eating right so I have transferred all responsibility of preparing food for me on myself. You just can’t trust all these vendors and their msg and liberated ways of using cooking oil in everything they cook. I worry of not being able to go pursue my phd! OK!Ok! I have said it! yeah…that’s the King and Queen of my worries right now and it is linked to me worrying of not being able to understand the topic that I am doing. I worry about asking the wrong questions and writing the wrong things. I worry of not knowing and understanding. I worry of not knowing the next course of action. I worry of not getting in! I worry of not being able to go! I worry and worry and worry of losing my mind! That’s a lot of worries! I know but I am done worrying (just listen to yourself woman!). If I get 100 dollars for every worry then I’ll be a millionaire by now! I am sick of tummy pain and I am sick of worrying. This will stop. I will stop worrying. There are more to life than worrying. I need to start rejoicing to all my life’s endeavors, challenges and worries. Instead of dwelling to no end on a worry, I need to dance with it. Rejoice! Imagine me dancing with my worry.(koo koo …loney!) I need to wake up (I can’t say that with a straight face now) and smell the roses and daffodils and dance with my worries. Instead of dwelling on it and nurse it like a stubborn cold (good similes eh?), I need to dance and sing with them and pray to God that some of them, if not all will turn into cash…No too materialistic of me,.i mean will turn into ashes ..nah..too idealist. I mean turn into solutions..nah too realist. I hope that after the dancing fiesta, they would appear less magnified and I would dwell on them less and sooner or later I’ll find ways and means and pills to make them disappear forever!….Now that’s me. Rejoice! Say after me…..OOOOOoooZAAaaaaaa! and Rejoice!Rejoice to life!Rejoice to friends! Rejoice to enemies! Rejoice to other worry warts! Rejoice to peace! Rejoice to a calm mind! Rejoice to a healthy heart free from hate and any life cavities!Rejoice!Rejoice!Rejoice!(I’m trying to drown the worry with Rejoice! Am I succeeding?Literally!yes! Rejoice!Rejoice! Rejoice! To laughter and smiles!Rejoice to hope and pray!Rejoice to love!Rejoice! Dance with your worries! Tango, ballet, do the waltz with your worries. Waltzing with your worries! Hmm.. I like the sound of that. Hopefully by dancing with them it will release enough oxytoxin and dopamine to eliminate all the tummy gases and reduce my pain…Physically and emotionally! Amen! So stop worrying and start waltzing people!

It’s a Honda!

Finally my own car at last! Don’t get me wrong I have driven before but since moving here, H and I are quite comfortable with just using his car. So I never had any reason to buy a car since I started working. When I started working, I have friends and they will pick me up and I will be the designated driver when they can’t drive due to any reasons or influencesJ Anyway, after getting to know H, I have his car. I have been so used of being chauffeured around and it was a different change and a nerve wrecking one, I tell ya. I wasn’t use to driving around this part of the world. I know Penang roads and drivers so it was different driving here as compared to Penang. But like the old saying goes “if you can drive in Penang, you can drive anywhere”. So after taking a break of 5 years of not driving, I am driving again and it’s mine! And it’s a Honda! Since the last day of February and it’s a leap year, this year… I have reached many milestones with my Honda. From driving for the first time at night and nervously trying to find the light switch (the first few times, I didn’t even on the lights ;), to driving in the rain and panicky trying to reduce the speed of the wipers. I have grown and have acquired or reached more sophisticated milestones. Now I can drive while singing. Yep! And the tunes vary reflecting my eclectic taste in music. So from singing and synchronize dancing with Hannah to Beyonce’s version of ‘one night only’ to the ‘porn-star’ version of Where did your Heart go’ by Wham (you know when you over emphasize the “I love you, I love You part?..Never mind!). No…not crazy yet but I sounded like that, that one night alone in the car. It was weird but thank God no one was around. I have grown from not being able to look anywhere else except the windscreen, to giving the next car ‘the look’ when I am annoyed. I multi-task now. I can do my make up in a jam. I can eat at red lights. I am able to talk and create abbreviation to annoying drivers. No! I don’t swear. I create abbreviations and acronyms such as Mad Ignorant Drivers (MID), MAH (Mad asshole!), Crazy Lunatic Obtuse Ningkamput(CLON). That was what I’ve gotten so far. More will come, I’m sure. The common ones are “you are a guy for god sake!”, ”Move Baby! move!” or “what the f*@#! Are you doing!!!” Hmmm…I love my car but I have scratched it a few times. But I am getting better at driving it every day. I have kissed another car’s ass. Hannah asked me to look at her and I did and I ‘smooched’ the front car’s back. Thank god nobody got hurt and this back door smooching is not my thing anyway! Coincide with the Beijing Olympic now, I can even do acrobatic act while driving. I told myself that I should stop but I didn’t plan it..it just happened. Like the other day, I was talking on the phone while trying to find my hands-free and trying to maneuver my car, all at one go and ended up stopping behind a bus! A juggling act eh? I have a habit of changing the songs on my Ipod(Yes! My Honda plays Ipod!hehe!) while driving and that’s another ‘trying-to-kill’ yourself’ act on itself. It’s all about the 100 things to do before I die! They are other things that I have done in the car which I am going to blimp out from this entry. The only witness is my Honda!Hah! I have also driven my Honday singlehandedly to Penang! That journey was an instrumental journey for me. I get all emotional and sensitive when it involves Penang and everyone and everything in it! I can’t think of anymore bizzzare acts but I am sure I’ll have more to spill soon. Drive like the devil they say. Drive like the cautious wind I say!But most importantly drive a Honda!

Much ado about nothing

I pick this play by Shakespeare because people get worked out about something they feel passionate about when really it’s about ..pretty much nothing. Just like this entry, it’s actually about nothing. I just wanted to write and avoid doing work on a Saturday and maybe piss a few people along the way(Kidding!). It’s 8am by the way!I am still chewing with this tough piece of fact that I have been working throughout the last three weekends! So I am whining now but nothing can be done about it because I am such a wuss when it comes to refusing work. Ok..Let’s talk about last night. I went to see Manhattan (it’s a movie! for those of you who have stopped reading beyond this point) at the invitation of a dear friend whom I have neglected seeing for the past many moons. Anyway, it was a great movie. Seriously! A refreshing change from the contemporary mainstream ones. Gosh! It only took one night for me to sound like them. Geez! Anyway, I related differently from the other hard core fans of Woody Allen that were present for the show. I love seeing the familiar places which I had visited during my few visits to the city. The Village was one of them. It’s near NYU and that’s where most of the students hang out or buy their groceries.To see the fruit stall at the side of the road invoked nostalgic memories and central park ..aahh..those were the days where you can walk in the middle of the wee morning and enjoy the city lights and the creeping of the early morning sun without getting slaughtered or murdered. Nah..i’m kidding…am i? I can relate to the humor in the film very much so that there were some LOL moments during the screening. It was a funny movie. Isaac Davies is all talk. He is never lost for words. That is the fundamental principle of most Woody Allen’s movies- they are heavy on dialogues- that I figured it out the hard way…by watching them. I enjoyed myself and then after that - a diehard fan suggested that we go for coffee and chat. All four of us went and I was the rookie when it comes to Woody Allen. I have seen some of his movies but I don’t’ scrutinize every little details. I watch it for fun, entertainment and also to learn something new. I am quite receptive when it comes to learning new things. Anyway the conversation was ok and it went on for one hour plus before everyone started scramming towards one direction to remove their cars before the gate got close. After that I had to leave. It’s not that I don’t find the conversation which consisted of criticizing and scrutinizing the films and its industry, engaging. No..not that. It’s also not that I felt left out with all the jargons used to describe and pin point details of the mechanics of the films and direction. Nah…not that. It’s also not that the majority of the ideas are all about philosophizing critically about the film or films in general when a layman or a layperson like me would have just discuss about how entertaining it was or not or to discuss lightly the comparison of the film creators’ account about a particular issue or event to your own experiences and dreams and wishes and the sort. Or just enjoy talking about how fiction can become your reality and vice versa! No…not that…that I can live with. And I didn’t leave because no one..(when I refer to no one..it means me. It’s a Samson vs Goliath here) have the guts to stop time or risk offending her friends by blurting out hysterically the fact that people go watch movies is to be entertained and not to be given a visual Phd thesis for them to take back and dissect and crack the underlying code and motives. There are too many bad things going on in this world that most people who goes to the movie just don’t want to hear a short , almost bald man who has an opinion about everything chatter non stop. Where’s the fun in that? If they want that, they can just watch the news or listen to Al Gore. At least he is trying to make right, all the wrongs in this world. Wel..not that. I was being a bit emotional..the global warming issues always get to me. And it wasn’t also because you were contradicting yourselves, talking about local producers copying the works of their western counterparts. Khabir B’s Cinta mirrors Love Actually and he borrowed some lines from When harry Met Sally and yadda yadda.. I for one applauded such efforts. It’s a start and it’s a progress for our film industry. We are our own worst critics. When they do, you criticize, when they don’t, you say that the industry is not going anywhere. We are just starting indy now in full swing. I for one who watch a lot of movies since I was small but I’m not classified as a movie buff because I can’t use jargons like spoof, screenplay, cinematography or other movie related crap. Even when I have seen my first indy film in 1995 in New York, I am still a dim-witted pseudo-intellectual who pretends that she knows something but in actual fact, I know nuts as compared to all the other three. Why is Yasmin different when she is also guilty at borrowing some existing ideas from others in her much acclaimed work?(you might be laughing and rolling on the floor by this not so film-savvy question). Still that wasn’t the reason, I am tough cookie, I’m always up for a challenge, you have you film info and know-how and I have my own mumbo-jumbo to throw at you when I get cornered. No..that wasn’t why I left. It was not because it was reaching midnight and I need to adhere to my fairygodmom’s warning about me turning into a not so pretty lady and my Hondaywill turn into pumpkin . Noo..not that..it was because I had to pee! Ha! Gotta go and work now! See ya!

A fun-ny day

Hi! I need to put this on paper, so to speak because today has been an overall fun-ny day. It incorporates fun and funny and it makes it more fun to write it that way. I sound like a clueless teenager;) Anyway, it has been an almost perfect fun-ny day for me. It started from the hilarious morning meeting to my so fun-ny yoga session and it ends with a fun-ny episode of House. Everything seems to fall into place and I love it. The meeting started with the chairman of the FFA speaking passionate about how it was such a major crime to use paper files when the situation warrants them to use a hard cover files. It was worse than murder! On top of it all, after her sarcastic remarks, all the FFA members nodded down in shame. In some state you might get the boot and get sack. That serious! But no not in Selangor, with the new government and all…they are not that strict. These people are so obsessed with files that they will do anything to get hold of one and be surrounded by files. Yeah… FFA stands for File Fetish Anonymous (FFA). Yeah…everyone knows..i am a looney!But I was talking about an actual meeting in an established organization where people get sensitive and upset over files. It was the MK(pause)………….whatever crap meeting. Heck, I can’t remember all these abbreviations. Therefore, I refused to take it seriously because it is more fun to be cynical. Time flies faster that way. Life is filled with cynics and I am one of them! If I were to say that I had a MK(pause)….whatever crap meeting (still not coming to me) and we talked about the audit and yada yada yadda. How interesting is that? But if I tell you that some of the staff members feel so passionately about files, logbooks and documents and that they were demonstrating a fetish like behavior. ..then it’ll become more interesting. As the meeting progresses and after a heated debate about files, logbooks and documents, they have decided that they need to allocate more time to discuss about files, logbooks and documents. They need another meeting for it. Where?When? I know!I know! 10pm at the file room! Okay okay enough about the FFA. The sms I received and sent during the meeting captured more of my attention than the rightly so meeting but through practice I was able to strategically plan my responses according to the response of the meeting. Sounds complicated but it’s not.It’s about juggling I guess and being a mom, you are an expert. The meeting ended with a laughJ
After that I received a sms from Dean and he bought me fresh cherries. This is the highlight of my day. Then H called and we talked about bowel system and it was kindda funny… and gross! Then Jonah wanted to go for lunch at 3pm and we had lunch at the little English corner. Then the hilarious, LOL and roll on the floor fun-ny conversation with another good friend. A continuation from the sms and meeting. That conversation turned eery when Jonah joined us and opened up the curtains for ghost stories. I thank God I live in BJ. I remembered coming back from PP that night and it was an adventure. First there were houses and lights, suddenly there were forests and no lights. It went misty and foggy. The perfect setting for a Psycho movie. Hmm… come to think of it I should have tried my fog lights.
After the horror stories and counseling a student. I went downstairs to have drinks with Alex and Jonah and before you know it, it was time to go home. Perfect job eh? I think so too. I got home and did yoga with Hannah. Having her imitate my mountain pose or tree pose or anything else is funny enough. The best thing was that when she saw me panting and sweating. She said “mummy, I think you are going way too fast. You need to slow down”. With that she took a tissue and wipes my forehead. 9pm I watched Chuck and he’s funny and adorable. He is growing on me. I love my Monday nights more when I get to watch CHUCK. The I watched House and it was cynically fun-ny. That’s the end of my near perfect and fun-ny day. Gotta go. Goodnite!

Snap!

I wrote this today. I know i havent written in awhile. A lot of things have happened. I have entries for those events but today i just want to share this entry.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hmm…I was dwelling on the title for a good two seconds before deciding that, that would be it. It’s hard to talk about this subject when I myself question my sanity sometimes. But mental illness has never been scarier since Marie. It’s like looking at an accident scene in your moving car as compared to physically standing in front of the wreck and the casualties. The intensity is magnified tenfold. You must be wondering what am I blabbering about..oh well. I want to talk about a colleague of ours who has just went hmm..koo koo? I know…a bit mean .. especially after the frappacino green tea. I can be a bit blunt. Or maybe I am not like some people who are good with words.Yep..blame it on the tea and not on mua! Ok…how am I going to nicely put it. She has been diagnosed of having bi-polar disorder. I feel sadness in me that I have never felt before. We are not close but it’s sad because she has just gotten her doctorate. It must be a horrifying dilemma for the family. Somehow I refuse to belief it at first because it just doesn’t make sense. It can happened in the movies or in another company but not ours.hmm.. until now I’m still making up stories to myself that she is doing a secret research where she’s observing how people react to the mentally unstable. It’s a secret that she has to pretend to be crazy and an agreement has been drafted with the doctor about her research that no one knows. Soon she’ll come out of it and everyone will laugh at how silly and paranoid they have become and everything will go back to normal. By now, you must be thinking I am the one that’s mentally unstable. Not bi-polar, multi-polar disorder, excessive mood swing all the timeJ Admit it..it’s funny. My friends and I have been joking about it. We tried very hard to not show how worried we are about our own sanity that we poked fun at Marie’s disorder and other mental diseases. Secretly, some are checking on the symptoms of bi-polar on the internet and matching it to their behaviors. Seriously! I bet that’s what they are doing now. It’s funny when one person has been labeled ‘crazy’(notice the inverted commas ok) by an authority, everyone else who used to look ‘crazy’ now seems normal and is blending with the crowd. I can raise eyebrows with Sienna acknowledging about some common facts that has been discussed about Marie, when before Sienna is labeled as ‘crazy’(by most people in the company) for sending uniform ‘crazy’(inverted commas again)sms to selected people in the company for just being guilty of not saying hi to her. See the turn of event. To describe in another words, the non-verbal signal I have shared with Sienna is – I am agreeing with a crazy person about another crazy person.hmm..what does that make me?CrazY!?
Okay… serious stuff. When I feel that I am on the brink of going koo koo, I turn to GOD for some spiritual Prozac. It works all the time. It’s no charge and embarrassment-free. I ask for peace and sanity. But it’s sad when in Marie’s case, she couldn’t turn to God anymore. I hope that with time, medication and therapy, she’ll be ok. I seriously hope that she’ll be ok. One thing is good though that people can still distinguish between what’s crazy and what’s not. With all that’s happening in the world right now- attacking another country without being provoke, open burning, body markings(it’s revolting unless if you think having fish fins grooves underneath your skin is cool) and many other not normal things that people are doing right now. It’s hard to distinguish between what’s crazy and what’s not. It’s good that we can still do. Today has been lazy and sleepy for me until I was awaken by a good friend and caffeine of course. Now I’m all charged up and ready to work. It’s 4.30pm by the way. I guess I’ll save all my energy for tomorrow. Chao earthlings!

An ooglee

I was ogled at today when I entered the meeting room. That had made me an “ooglee”, it seems. I noticed that a few men started calling me and asking me about my baju Kebaya when I entered the meeting room. I was being fashionably late.Hehe. Dean was one of them. But with Dean, I always welcome his remarks and hellos. He was just commenting on Dr Michael and something funny that we had talked about a few days back. But I had Dr David and Dr Woo coming to me and telling me that some of the men were enchanted by me this morning. Hmm..it’s weird because the kebaya is not new, I have worn it a few times but today I merely complete it with the shawl. Maybe that made a difference. There’s something wrong with the men in this faculty. I have concluded that the spores of this mold infected building have gotten to our brains. The funny thing is that it has different effects to different people. Some ogle, some mutter nonsense, some became mute, , some smiles a lot, some laugh a lot, some eat a lot, some talk a lot, some acquired other side effects such as mental psychosis, gout, massive headaches, slur nonsensical speeches and the worst case scenario is when they turned into a complete koo koo.Sad isn’t it? All those potential down the drain because of poor management of mold. Anyway, with all the attention that I am getting at home and at work and I am no where near being happy. Okay let’s describe my feelings now and it’s 11am. An hour after the meeting. I am feeling tired. Of what? No not because I baked my yummy cheese cake last night. That was a breeze. It took me an hour max. I am excited to get the review since I used fresh vanilla instead of the bottled essence of vanilla. I used the seeds. It looks like poppy seeds and I grated some lemon grinds and wa la! There you have it …the yummy cheesecake. So I wasn’t tired of last night cake making. I am tired emotionally. A collective of past events have succeeded in sucking all the energy out of me. The chirpiness and the peace in me are almost a non-existence. I am tired of everything all of a sudden. I am tired of the banal conversation in the meeting. I am tired of the re-runs of admin work that I have to do. I am tired of becoming this award winning actress in this stage play of my life that I am force to engage. I am tired of orchestrating blockbuster results when it comes to work and meeting expectation. I am tired playing all the wrong parts and feeling something that I shouldn’t. I am tired of hoping and wanting and needing something that is so impossible for me to reach. I am tired of putting on a brave face and happy face for everyone to see. I am tired of planning routine conversations just to go with the flow. I am just tired period. I am also sad. Not because of the weather though... It is gloriously sad today but I like it. I know, complex is nothing near in explaining me. I feel that as if I am living my life but I am on the outside. I am not me. I feel as if I looking at someone who looks like me and being me, leading my life. I am sad because there’s a lot of emotions that has been numbed my circumstances and painful events. But somehow I managed to smile and laugh and go through life as if I have no worries in my life. But friends at work make it worthwhile sometimes. But there’ll be a time when I just want to be gloomy and sad and tired. There’ll a be a time when I don’t want to laugh or play any parts. There’ll be a time when I don’t want to be part of any blockbuster. There’ll be a time when I just want to stay miserable. Just like today…

Wishes

I haven’t written in a while. I have been busy dealing with personal issues and digesting big news and realization. It started during my birthday and I am bit numb now to most things and feelings. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I am still figuring why some had happened. Anyway,I have gotten my scholarship letter about a month ago and I haven’t done anything of significance about it yet. I have been feeling a bit obtuse lately and numb. I can’t describe it further but that’s the one simple word that can sum up what I am feeling right now. H on the other hand is the opposite. He is more attentive and affectionate. The things I have always hope that he’ll be in the last couple of years, he is all that now. So I am getting what I have always wanted and the scholarship and the new IPOD, the new car, the new mobile and the new camera and the New Zealand. Ha! can’t help it! I have new things and a ‘new’ country to go to. What more could I asked for? Normally I don’t go asking for these things, but somehow they found me…especially those that I don’t need…well at least I thought I don’t.
Anyway, yesterday I had fun in class. I am warming up to this bunch of students. They are funny, witty and smart…at least so far, they have been that. I have also started going to the gym. Not my regular gym but the Uni’s. It’s ok but I like mine better. Once I got the car then I am going back to my routine.
Oh yeah I have two concerts to go to soon. Going to see Backstreet Boys on the 27th. Yeah..i was once a groupie. At least they are decent. If you think of me liking BSB is worse then you will cringe with nausea when you know that I USED to go gaga over Tommy Page! See…what did I tell ya. I have asked myself the same question many times in the last 15 years or so. I don’t know what was I thinking then? I haven’t started diving then so there weren’t any nitrogen build up or anything that could have influenced my judgement.And Penang wasn’t as polluted as now so the strong selut smell couldn’t be the compound that could have tarnish the organs in my brains. Unless I was born broken?Yikes!!! ok..let’s not go there. With the rate that I am going now, that could be suicidal. Ok back to Tommy.I don’t know what was going on in my brains when I was squeezed literally from all direction by bodies of mislead human beings for hours just for one sole purpose-to catch a glimpse of Tommy. I will that as it is and will not attempt to try to reason that out. My biggest wonder ever of the one hit wonder. Hehe! Anyway BSB is ok and I am connected to their latest single- inconsolable. And then there’s Harry. Yep! Another Harry Connick jr concert at Philharmonik. Courtesy of an ex student. She’s giving me a free ticket. Knowing harry, the tickets are expensive but her(student) dad(some CEO of a Petronas subsidiary) got two complimentary tickets. I attended the first concert he did in Malaysia a couple years back, a gift from H for my birthday. I was sick and had a fever but because when H went to enquire, there was only one ticket left and it was expensive. So I remembered swallowing a coupleof Panadols and I went alone. It was great and the then King and Queen were there too. So I am anxious to go and have a good time like last time. This time I will be with someone who likes Harry’s music and not stuck with a Datin and her daughter who kept asking the mummy “who is this guy again?”. My ex student remembered that I like Harry and she suggested that I go with her. I was surprised but touched at the offer. Oh yeah another event that I am looking forward to go is the dinner with the gals. It’ll be at Sheraton and we will be dressing up in dinner dresses. Our belated Valentine’s day dinner and also to celebrate our anniversary. Interesting isn’t it? That’s happening next week too.
Toto is also coming to have their concert here. I like them but I don’t think anyone would want to go with me and there’s no fun in going alone. Unless Sam wants to go with me. That would just be looking for trouble especially that he is a colleague and married. Those are the two main criteria that scream that you stay away. It only applies in this organization though. I remembered him telling me that he likes Toto. I think I’ll pass. Asking him is like looking for more trouble. It’s like going to a mat rempit and voluntarily giving your cash, valuables and handbag. I don’t know why Mat rempit..it is an impulsive thing. It just came to me suddenly. An epiphany?

Big Girls School

Hmm… I almost dreaded for this day but it has arrived anyway! Yep. Hannah is starting big girls’ school in about 15 days to be exact. I feel really strongly that she’s growing up a little bit too fast. I can still remember the time when she had just arrived into this world, lying on my tummy, looking at me with those beautiful eyes and blinking. She wasn’t crying. She was too fascinated with the world. Now she’s talking and running and trying out her new school shoes. She’s so excited to go to her big girls’ school. She wanted to grow up and be like me. She says that every other day. Last night I was watching The Suite Life with her.So what’s newJ I was folding the cleaned laundry while watching. Been doing a lot of laundry lately. I just don’t know how other women do it. You work and then you come back and do more work. Without supplements, I don’t think I’d have any energy. So my secret to this whole balancing act is that in my previous life I was in a circus but supplements! Pure and simple, bottles of vitamins Bs, Cs, Ds, Es and the whole nineyards. Okay back to The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. There is a scene where Cody is talking to his mom about letting go of the hawk that has been taking refuge on their balcony. Cody has grown attached to the hawk that he almost didn’t want it to go away- to fly away and be free. The talk they had had moved me to tears. The mom related a story to Cody about how when she was young and wanted to leave home, her mother had let her go, even though it was hard for her to do so. Cody’s mom asked Cody to do the same with the Hawk because it belongs out there in the world and not cooped up on a balcony or in a zoo for that matter. Then the mom said that sooner or later, she would have to do the same thing with Cody and Zack. Cody asked what if the hawk doesn’t make it. Then the mom said ‘that’s a chance that I have to take, the same chance my mom had taken with me’. That’s when the tears came. I wish that Hannah will stay with me forever but I know soon I will have to let her go and experience the world by herself. I need to let her make her mistakes and learn form them. I need her to live her own life. I know I am being melodramatic about it. I guess I have been when it comes to Hannah. She’s my heart and soul! My best friend. Weird you say because she’s only 6 but she gives her opinion on what I wear and she hugs me and kisses me when I am sad. I can talk to her about little things that happened at work. If that doesn’t constitute as friendship then I don’t know what is. She is fixated to be ME. Just like when I was young, my mom was my idol. She still is. I wanted to be her. Literally. I had wished back then that I was as fair as her. I hated my skin color back then but I have been ok with it since before Syracuse. When I was in Syracuse, it reaffirmed my belief that I am special in my own way and I am different from the rest. Syracuse is not only filled with white snow most of the time but also is being inhibited by mostly white Caucasian males and females. I stood out from the rest and I didn’t realized this until Vic pointed it out. Thank you my friend. So it’s not a surprise that Hannah wanted to be me. I have always wanted to be my mom, to have her height, her voice. She has the loveliest voice. Hmm…it’s funny how I am the object of admiration now. Anyway, I wrote today. It’s a story, continuation from last night’s prologue. A story about Hannah.

Hannah II
All these cues have been forcing me to remember that the time is near
For me to let you go
Let you be the big girl that you crave to be
It pains me to even think of the day
To let you be out there into the world
Alone,
without me
to put a jacket on you
when it gets too cold
to hold your hand when you are crossing the road
To wipe the chilli sauce off your mouth after eating
To accompany you to the little girl’s room when need be
To just be with you.
But I know soon, I will have to let you go
Experience the world as you want to
To let you grow up and be a woman
To live through life…
Your life,
This is an inevitable milestone that i have to face
But
Till that fateful day comes,
I pray to GOD to let me be there for you..
For,
I will shower you hugs and kisses
I will talk to you more
I will let you smother me with all your big hugs and sloppy kisses
I will be your best friend
As you will be mine-to infinity and beyond
We will continue learning together
Just like the other day when we learned about ‘fog’
I will be your ‘smelly bolster’
As you will be mine forever
For without you, sleep will never come.
I will guide you
I will teach you
I will hold your hand
I will keep you warm
I will be there when you move from Mary Jane’s to Stilettos
I will comfort you and shoo away all the bad dreams
Fight away all the monsters and demons
Because all mummy-s have super powers
So we can fight demons and defeat monsters!
I will blow all your pain away
I will shield you from hurt
I will be there for you
We’ll explore new frontiers together
the ocean is next on our list..
We’ll have many more girlie days
We’ll bake more cakes and cookies together
We’ll go for more pony rides
We’ll walk together more often
We’ll do our hair together
We’ll dance and sing more
We’ll do gardening together
We’ll play in the rain more
We’ll go shopping and I guess we’ll never be too old to shop!

Please know that you will never be too old to get my hugs and kisses
Please know that you will never be too old to talk to me
Please know that you will never be too old to just sit next to me
Please know that you will never be too old to hold my hand
As long as the sun sets on the horizon and the moon keeps climbing up the ladder of the sky
As long as I am me and you are you
As long as I know how and I am able to
Please remember that…
Remember in your heart that
Mummy loves you sayang!

My Tattoo

No, I am not getting a tattoo. Even though I was tempted to have one when Sharon and Barry had theirs but the realization hit me when I saw blood. Imagine someone carving on my …. Hmmm. Anyway this entry is about emotional tattoos that are permanently engraved in you. In your minds, hearts and soul. I know… Cheezy! Trite! All rolled into one.
I am sure that everyone has had the occurrence of having heard a song and thought to themselves that the song is made for them. Yep. This is one of those moments that I am having. It’s the song Tattoo by Jordin Sparks. A nice song and the lyrics tell a story which is quite similar to mine. It is my song for now. It’s the perfect song right now for me. It says what I had wanted to say but was shy to do. All the words that had failed me before when I was suppose to say them, she said it for me. Here goes :

Tattoo by Jordin Sparks
No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later,
I'll get what I'm asking for
No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger, I
gotta let my spirit be free
To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind
[Chorus]
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new directionI
loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
(Just like a tattoo,
I'll always have youI'll always have you, I'll always have you)

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could
Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind

[Chorus](Just like a tattoo, I'll always have youI'll always have you)
[Bridge]

If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do

It's me day

The day I was born is being celebrated again today. Hmm… it is an understatement when I said celebration. It’s 10pm now and I am at the verge of tears. Not crying yet. Not going too. I have accepted this but you know me..i’m soft. I need to be stronger. Anyway, the day started wonderfully. The weather was gloomy and grey clouds hung on the sky like attentive friends. This is my cup of tea. I love weather like this. The first person that wishes me was Keith. It was the sweetest message. Actually he sent two messages from London. Both were sweet and one woke me up at 4.30am. I seem to be waking up at that hour lately. Don’t really know why 4.30am. I am baffle by it but it’s so intriguing that we might have a contender to the Davinci Code. D 4.30 am Code? Okay I am ranting, I know. It’s my birthday and my blog and I am entitled for some zaniness in my life. Okay after the wishes, I couldn’t sleep much. When i was in the car, Hamid made me laugh with his wishes. It was funny. I bumped into him later that day and he wished me again. I had breakfast with Alex and six guys including the boss. It was ok. The whole morning was filled with meetings, one after another. By the time we are done it was 12.30pm. I got a bouquet of roses from sis. It was sweet of her. She knows how I like flowers. Every year without fail, she will send me a bouquet and a cake will be waiting at home. I love the roses and I also love sun flowers and daisies. I asked Alex to drop me off at the swimming pool on her way to SACC mall with Jonah. I swam my usual 20 lapse but Uni’s pool is a bit crowded. It makes me swallow water when I have to maneuver myself to the right and left when there are people coming towards me from all sides. They love swimming horizontally instead of vertically. But I finished my lapse and waited outside for Alex. There was a lady there; Sherina, she said she recognized me for a training program that we had gone to it seems. She told me the name of the training and I have not gone to that somehow. Anyway, we chatted for quiet a while then she left with her hubby. I was alone for about 10 minutes. I was in my baju kurung, no make up and my hair was wet. I sat there then I heard whistling. I looked and I saw two boys about 10 meters away. One of them was wearing a beanie. I turned away then I heard “ Awak!Awak! Awak nak cendul tak?! Saya boleh bagi kat awak. Awak boleh bagi kat kawan kawan awak.” I nearly laughed out loud. I shook my head and said” Takpa, tak nak”. Then I heard “ Laksa pun ada, awak nak tak?” . Gosh, there are boys…literally. Alex came and I relayed the story to her and she drove her lexus and stopped infront of the two boys. The look on their faces was priceless. I went to work, then continue working. Frasier knocked on the door and we chatted for a few seconds. I haven’t talked to him for quiet sometime. He seems preoccupied with something and I am preoccupied too…. Hmm. I miss him. Not Frasier! After that I called a cab to take me to my facial appointment. I called many places and none wanted to come. It was outrageous! I called One of the admin staff whom I thought lives in Klang because I wanted to ask her if she can drop me off at the mall. She said ok and later I found out that she lives no where near there. I was really thankful. She text me after that to wish me happy birthday. I’ll buy some lollies for her kids on Monday. I changed into my jeans and tshirt. I went to have my facial and it was heaven. My face didn’t turned as red as before. Vicky said that my skin is getting better. Wel.. I thought so too. Then H and Hannah came, we bought food and take home and eat. I got my cards at 10pm from Hannah and H. Tears appeared at the corner of my eyes. Sad, gloomy, touched and …I don t know. I just wish that. Okay, I don’t want to wish anything anymore about this. I want to enjoy all the attention, hugs and kisses. Don’t want to think , we have waited for a long time for this. Happy birthday to me!

Satu Seraya

The title is the name of her class. Don’t ask me what seraya means. I’ll aks Frasier..he’ll know. My baby is growing up so fast. Yesterday was Hannah’s first day of orientation to the big girls’ school. My heart swelled up with all sorts of emotions. I was touched by the whole commotion. It brought tears to my eyes. This is a new milestone for me. The milestone that opened a door for her to leave and explore the world by herself. I fear for a lot of things, as my primary school days weren’t that wonderful. It was a struggle between getting good grades, getting dad’s approval on my grades and dealing with how I look. I was a late bloomer, I wasn’t and still not the beautiful type so it was hard. Hannah is pretty and she’s fair and not dark like me so I hope she’ll do better in the social category. Most importantly, I hope it’ll boost up her confidence. Because living in this competitive world, confidence is a need that you can’t do without. I was at her school for the orientation, as usual, she’ll turned into this quiet little girl when we left her in her class. I don’t have a good feeling about the school. I am so used of CEC and I can’t help but to compare. I shouldn’t really because CEC is a kindy and it’s private. This is a public school we are talking about. Of course there’ll be some downsides. Many actually. I stayed for an hour for the briefing and went to work because they didn’t let us wait. I kept myself busy. I wanted to cry but I calmed myself down. It’s just the first day of school. I ‘ll cry when she graduated from college.
At night, after the orientation, when we were about to sleep, Hannah had problem closing her eyes. She talks to me before she sleeps, of late. That night after the orientation, she was fussing about how dark it was. That reminds me, I need to buy a night light for her. She drew the curtains so that some light can sneak in. Then she asked me to hug her. After awhile, when I heard even breathing, I pulled my hand and she startled me by asking “do you think there are monsters mummy?”. I told her that there are no monsters. If there is then I have super powers and I can get rid of monsters in a jiffy. She smiled and closed her eyes. I think she’s anxious about going to the new school. Deep down I know that she knew that she needs to go through this alone and that I wont be there to keep her company. She’s a smart cookie.
This morning was her actual first day of class. I stayed till lunch time. I needed to monitor her find her ride after school. It was heartbreaking seeing her dragged her feet searching aimlessly for us. She was supposed to find her ride, we had told her and we had rehearsed it many times. I hid behind one of the walls, looking at her from far. I followed her to see if she’d go to the place she was suppose to wait for her ride. She walked reluctantly towards it but somehow instinct told her that she needed to turn back. She turned back and saw me and my sis. She almost ran back and she hugged me and cried. She said she tried to find us but to no avail. She hugged and cried. I almost shed tears but I stopped myself. I needed to be strong. I told her that she’s a big girl now and she needs to be independent and find her ride because I am not going to be there tomorrow. She nodded but tears were still streaming from her eyes. Gosh! This is so hard. I wish I could just shield her from all this. I was thinking about all the bullying cases and also hideous crimes involving young girls, it made me cringed with fear. Mom once told me that I have to learn to let go and have faith in God because if not we wont have a peace of mind. There’s no use of worrying constantly but prevention is always better than cure. That’s why I am taking necessary precaution. There are a lot of evil people out there. She’s just a baby. I’d go crazy if anything happens to her. Anyway, after the crying episode, she was ok. It takes an ice cream to heal all wounds. It doesn’t matter if it’s Haagen Dass, Ben and Jerry, Walls or McD’s vanilla sundae. There’s something about the icy, cold, sweet and smooth cream that can cool down anger and sadness, ultimately lifting spirits. It puts a smile on Hannah’s face after that. I am happy that she’s happy but I am a tad worried about tomorrow. H said that he’ll go and monitor during lunch time. That put an ease to my nerves. I hope that it’ll be ok. I pray that she’ll have fun and find the joy of learning at the start of this new beginning of her life. I pray that she’s safe through her journey of discovery. If ever she’s derailed, I pray that there’ll be moonlight to guide her home to me. Adios!