scribbles and poems

I have written this a couple months back. It was cumulative for a period of time. I had a wild imagination. It was inspired by movies, people around me, boring, dead invigilation halls. So enjoy!


Broken Promises
I am going through the same road tonight
But this time around, it was with you
It’s raining
Everything is gloomy, blurry
My thoughts were of us
How quiet our journey home has been
There weren’t enough laughter or exchanging of meaningful words
Both of us were glued to our own private thoughts
Subconsciously we are closing our eyes to each other
When we realized that,
We immediately focus our attention to the first thing that catches our eyes.
Then an insignificant comment will follow suit
Just to kill the awkward silence I guess

It’s different when I was going through the same dark road with him
It was still blurry and dark
But full of plethora of emotions
We were connected in literally everything
Engaging dialogues
The intensity
Urgency
The touch, kisses
The plea
The broken promises
The Heartbreak
All were engaging, mesmerizing and intoxicating
All were real
Forcing me to participate
Except that
He is not you.














I had to invigilate the morning after the manic Sunday. I was tired, didn’t get enough sleep. To combat sleepiness I penned down some words in the process. Inspired by Robert Loveman’s poem, which has the same title. It’s one of my favorite and I guess I was hoping that it’ll rain daffodils and roses as depicted in “The rain Song” poem by Robert Loveman. Unfortunately it was far from roses and daffodils that night. So here goes.


It’s not raining rain

It’s not raining rain for me
It’s raining of glass hearts
Falling and shattering into a million sparkly pieces
Hurting the eyes that witness it

It’s not raining rain for me
It’s raining of suppressed tears and emotions
Every drop has its piece of the story to tell

It’s not raining rain for me
It’s raining of fury
All hitting the earth with a vengeance of rage
Pounding and hurting the ground

It’s not raining rain for me
It’s raining of profound sadness
Dispersing around the atmosphere
Heartrending the gloominess all over the horizon

It’s not raining rain for me
It’s raining of unanswered questions
Each drops filled with questions demanding for answers
Deafening to the ears

It’s not raining rain for me
It’s the downpour of my heart!










After yet another uneventful invigilation and I scribbled the poem below in the process of the 3-hour invigilation period. I haven’t coined a title for this yet but I think I am going to let be untitled.



In a room full of people
You and I are like two strangers
That had never crossed each other’s path
There’s this unexplained void between us

In a room full of people
We can just be another man and woman
Who were brought together by chance
Not planned.

Who’d thought that we’ve been lovers?
Who’d thought that you’ve touched every inch of my skin?
Who’s thought that I had explored every nooks and crannies of your body and mind?
Who’s thought that we had been so close as to finish each other’s sentence?
Who’d thought that I could read your mind most of the times and vice versa
Who’d thought of us together?

Mrs Wash-a-lot

Hmm… I remembered being an avid fan of Enid Blyton’s stories. Hitherto, I still love all the enchanting fairy tales and wonderful stories written by the esteemed author. Mrs Wash-a-Lot is one of the characters who lives in the enchanted forest up on the faraway tree if I can still get my tales rightJ Anyway, I felt like Mrs Wash-a-lot the last three days. It seems like a lifetime of washing and folding clothes. I have been away for manay months prior and I have been living in a suitcase then. Now it’s time to deal with all the dirty laundry. So that’s how I became Mrs. Wash-A-lot. I took leave from Raya Haji till a day after Christmas. On the 24th, I came to work because I don’t think I could stay another day at home, washing and folding clothes. I need to do something that can stimulate my mind. It’s not that I don’t find doing housework stimulating and a good exercise but for three whole days in a row! A bit too much. It doesn’t help when my in lawas are in the house either. H told me that they are coming on raya eve. That night after work, we went to buy ketupat, serunding and the whole nine yards of raya food goodies. Since the price of the rending was astronomical, H suggested that I cook for Raya. I agreed. So we bought two whole chicken and I cooked rendang on raya day. The eve was spent till 2am cleaning, vacuuming and mopping the house till it is spick and span. The in laws came around lunch time. The sister in law stayed till tea and she took off with two of her children and her husband of course to the husband’s sister’s place. It was left,just my mom in law and H’s niece in the house with us. My mom-in-law had just recovered from a back injury, so she doesn’t want to walk a lot. So we are stuck at home. H was working the Friday after raya. I stayed home with my guests. I cooked the second day and did more laundry. Folded more clothes and I watched a lot of TV. I was supposed to go out with Lisa on that Friday but it was cancelled. We wanted to cancel completely but Saturday came and I couldn’t stand just sitting at home and do more laundry, so we planned for an outing on Sunday. Saturday I picked up a book and started reading. I felt a bit worthy of myself then. Sunday came, I went out with Lisa. We spent 6 solid hours, just walking, shopping and talking. We needed to catch up with all the stories that has been happening in the last 6 months that we haven’t seen each other. There were loads! Some terrifying ones! Anyway, it was a refreshing diversion from doing laundry. I came back at around 7pm and H called to say that we were going out for dinner to celebrate his niece’s birthday. She is 14. She likes reading romance novels, mostly the malay ones. She’s tip-toeing into English romance novels. So I went to get her one for her birthday. The selection was a bit limited. I wanted to introduce to her the romance novel gradually and not scare her and her mom with it. The titles and the cover of the novels were all sexually inclined. They have titles such as the sheikh’s captive bride, the pregnant princess, the lord’s seduction and Christmas baby! What in the hell is going on? I remembered when I started reading Mills and Boon or Sweet Dreams, they have decent titles and novel covers. All the covers depicted a woman wearing flimsy nighties in the arms of a shirtless muscular man. How can I give those books to her. The mom will kill me and labeled me as a bad influence in her naïve, innocent daughter. I spent a good half an hour selecting carefully. I found one that’s decent enough and it’s entitled “Royal Weddings”. It entails three stories about prince and princesses love stories. *Sigh* I didn’t know finding a book for a teenager can be so hard. I cringe with fear, on what kinds of books that’ll be out there when Hannah is that age. I’ll cross the bridge when I get there. After all that, we went home and somehow I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned till 2am then only sleep come. Monday, I was at work and time flies like a private jet. Before I know it, it was 4 pm. I got some work done. Alex was there too. So I wasn’t alone. Okay gotta run.

Merry Christmas!!!

My hairy McDreamy

Hmm…. How’s that for a title? Anyway, I did something that I had never imagined of doing before. Okaylah..i have imagined it before but didn’t realize that it will become a reality so soon. Okay, I’ll get to it. I went out for a double date with Zoey and Christopher last Friday. It was for a movie. How did I get myself into that predicament? Hmm..it started with a friendly sms about work a couple of months back. It was to Zoey. She replied my sms and started being polite by asking where I was and what was I doing. I told her then I had watched a movie with H and Hannah. She shared with me some of the movies she had watched with Christopher. Somehow before I realized what was going on, she had invited me to her house, right there and then. Hmm…I turned down the offer and just to be polite I told her that one of these days we’ll go for a movie or something together. That was the start of my many double dates with them. It was okay. We had fun, I think. Hannah did. We went to watch ‘Enchanted’ on Friday. I know Christopher won’t have a problem with the movie because Hannah and He clicked like old friends the minute they saw each other. The movie started in a cartoon version and then after about 15minutes , we were seeing real people and princesses. No more cartoon. I caught a glimpse of Zoey and she turned and smiled at me. I had this uneasy feeling that she didn’t really like the movie. Oh well..it’s a learning experience, we’ll improve on our choice of movies soon. It’s a compromise. It’s just that after seeing the gazette, Hannah had wanted to watch it. Okay..okay I wanted to watch it too because of McDreamy! He was different in Enchanted and I discovered that he has chest hair! Haha! I remembered Alex and her obsession with chest hair! Anyway, there is this scene where the princess is pissed off with McDreamy for always being negative and for always saying ‘No’. Hmm… so familiar! It so happens that McDreamy has just gotten out of the shower , don in a bathrobe only. As they were having that conversation about how negative he really is, the princess got angry, an emotion which is so foreign to her being a fairytale princess and all, who is forever happy, cheerful and always filled with positive attitude.She ended up laughing after feeling the anger. She was overwhelmed by it. When she realized that that was the first time she was feeling that emotion, she laughed. Talk about positive attitude indeed. Some people would just say plain crazy but I am not that kind of person. I live by my sesame street wisdom.Ha! And that was then that she touched McDreamy’s hairy chest. I think I didn’t realized that I had said these words out loud “ oh my God! He has hairy chest..hairy chest”. I froze until Hannah shook me and asked “ is it over yet mummy?”. She said it with one of hands covering her eyes. That brought me back to reality. I have never seen McDreamy’s chest hair before. There were a lot of steamy scenes in Grey Anatomy but somehow why didn’t I notice the chest hair? It’s puzzling to me because something so there and I didn’t notice it. Why? And why now has it become evident? Hmm… questions and more questions about chest hair. Interesting topic on a Wednesday afternoon! Anyway, enough about chest hair. The story about the double dates didn’t just end there. After the movie, Zoey asked if we want to follow them to Genting on Sunday. H said that he had promised his sister to go over her house. I didn’t say anything. Saturday come and H said that he had cancelled the trip to his sister’s place and asked me to call Christopher and Zoey and tell them that we will be going with them to Genting. I blinked at him a couple of times before responding. I told H, that we want to think about this first. This is such a big step we are taking; we don’t want to be irrational in making this major decision. Nah….all that came out of my mouth after the blinking was “ are you serious?” He was serious. I didn’t want to be a killer of everybody’s fun. Hannah and H were all psyched up to go to Genting. So we went with them. Frankly it was fun. We took Hannah for all her rides and they went to have theirs. We met during lunch and tea break. We had dinner at the much talked about Damansara uptown as the grand finale of the second double date in three days. We had good food though. We reached home at 11pm. Twelve hours of spending time with them has made me look at them differently. They are good people. Christopher has the potential to be a dotting father just like H. Zoey is a fast learner about how to treat a child. She has the patience to be a great mom. I am not surprised when Hannah wanted to follow them to the carousel without us. H and I waited for her to turn back when she realized that we weren’t going with them. Normally she would, she would ask if we were going also. If I said that we weren’t then she wouldn’t want to follow. She didn’t ask this time. We waited for the longest time and she didn’t turn back. Suddenly we were the ones that felt lost without her. H kept on pestering me to call every 5 minutes, to ask if Hannah is ok. I called and Zoey said that she’s fine. Fifteen minutes later we returned to find Christopher accompanying Hannah on a carousel for the second time while Zoey was taking pictures of them. It was a happy sight. I am glad that I did this. I am glad to have gone on these double dates. It was an eventful weekend for us. A new milestone reached. A great many more to come. This is a start of a beautiful friendship. Chao! Have a great long weekend, Happy Eid-Adha and Merry Christmas everybody!

Third and Fourth Dives

(The photo- I am the one in the middle kneeling on the bottom of the sea) The third dive, I equalized every second of the way down. We used the anchor rope as a guide. I reached the bottom with a breeze. I followed the instructor. He showed me a few pointers which I had gotten immediately. Later after the 3rd dive, he told me in front of everyone that I had improved 100%. Of course I am happy! I was able to move along side my instructor. I saw a few big flowery corals and of course it won’t be complete without the pesky blue fish.I saw an intriguing blue, green and yellow fluorescent fish. I witnessed up close and personal how nemo was trying to hide in his anemone. I saw his grumpy face too because we were hovering around his home. I was stopped dead on my tracks..oh well mid way in the water that is by a giant garoupa. It was lazing around on the sand at the bottom of the sea. It was a mind-blowing sight. We went to the 12 meter level and I have set my eyes on a lot of the wonderful creature of the sea. It was an exploration that I don’t want to end. I want it to go on forever. We break for lunch and dived again after that. Our final dive before the certification. We touched down nearly 15 meters deep. The final dive saw everyone following the instructor like a swarm of underwater bees..if there’s such a thing! I forgot to give a mention about my dive buddy. He was a good dive buddy. I am sea-ing him in a new light. He checked my equipment without fail everytime before a dive. When I look at the back, he was always nearby. He is a great dive buddy. I wouldn’t mind going for more dives with him in the near future. As we were moving together as a group there was this big boulder in front of us. It was incredible how we need to maneuver ourselves around it and that required skills! We did it with ease. I spotted a lion fish and I was puzzled as the instructor was signaling ‘danger’ to us. Later I found out that lion fish is 8 times more poisonous than scorpions. Hmm... Staggering revelation! I witnessed more nemos, flowery and brain(it looks it) corals and a swarm of yellow fish. More big beigy fish and of course pesky blue was always there. I was so relaxed and calm that I didn’t want to leave. Time stood still when you are underwater. Before I knew it, my buddy was signaling that he was low on air. We quickly informed the instructor and he made preparation to ascend. We had gone down nearly 15 meters deep and during ascending we had to stop at the 5 meter level to clear our system of any nitrogen build up. We stayed at the 5 meter level for 3 good minutes then only we fully ascended. I love the gloomy and calm feeling. I am addicted to this. Can’t wait to go for my first fun dive. I talked to Dean and he said that it’s good to get out from your routine and go do something like this. I remembered when we were in the tiny boat, rocking back and forth, I mention to Sam that I will do this because this is one of the 100 things to do before I die. Sam shushed me and asked me not to talk about dying especially in our condition then. It is funny remembering it now. He laughed when I reminded him about it. I am glad that I did it. It was fun and it is a sense of personal achievement to me. Alex was jokingly trying to scare me by kept on reminding me that if I found a ship wreck and at the window if I see a face pressed on the window paint, remember her and laugh. It made me chuckled every time I think about that but under water when you chuckle you forget to breathe so I was biting my lips not to laugh. The funny part was I kept thinking of the lyrics of I who have nothing. It’s a sad song until the lyrics goes “nose pressed against the window paint” imagine that. It’s kindda funny. Next mission- ship wrecks! Congratulations to me! I needed the diversion! It was a good one! Chao!

First and Second dives

Yep! I had gone through it. It was a dive into an ocean of uncertainties and enigma. However it was magical and I didn’t realize where the courage came but before I know it I was taking the plunge into the ocean. Once in the water, all the seasickness fled and I was calmed and composed being swayed by the waves in a persistent lullaby. Once we descended into the ocean, I saw the corals up close and personal. I think I might have hurt some in the process of stabilizing myself. Thank god it was hard corals and they are a bit sturdy. They were brown in color. Our first dive was in the Japanese garden. The water was choppy and strong currents were pushing us out of balance even when we were kneeling on the sea ground. There were multi colored and reef fishes. It was amazing and I was stunt by the whole God’s creation. To be able to swim along side the fishes and other sea creatures was already mind boggling. The dive master pulled my hand forcing me to touch the anemone and it was nemo’s! It was an astounding feeling! I marveled at the pesky blue fish which was checking me out. He must be thinking, what is this giant thing swimming in my sea. I caught a glimpse of a sea urchin. It was quite big and the instructor had signaled to us ‘danger’ pointing at the urchin. Astonishing really! To be so close to this creature when you normally see them in National Geographic. We were in there for a good half an hour before the water became too choppy. The current was so strong that it kept pushing us farther. We had to ascend to the surface. It was a remarkable experience for a newbie like me. After lunch we proceeded with the second dive. I forgot to equalize and experienced a bad ear pain. It took a couple of descend attempts before I managed to go down to the 6 meter level. Only then I discovered that I was the only one at the bottom. I saw Sam and Lina on top of me. I wanted to wander off alone but then I remembered that I need to stick with my buddy. At that exact point of time he was trying to help Lina whom her partner had left her be. So I ended up playing around that area, looking at the corals and trying to catch the fish that crossed my path. I did that for quite awhile until the dive master signaled us to ascend. When we were in the apartment, my ears were still hurting. I guess when you don’t equalize at every meter, you put pressure to your ear drums and that caused the pain. Anyway, I had a really good night sleep that night, with the rocking lullaby of the waves and sea. Dreaming and hoping that the next two dives will be better.(picture: the beautiful but poisonous lion fish)

Nemo's friend

I need to buy a picture dictionary of all the sea creatures. This is a photo of Nemo's friend that i had bumped into during my 3rd dive. Beautiful eh? I love it!

dealing with changes

The office atmosphere is filled with new changes. I find it hard to keep up. It doesnt help when i am dealing with my own challenges. I need the presence of good friends to help me get through this changes. I miss Dean's comforting gaze and reassuring words. I am hoping that my friends wont bail out on me because in a time like this you need your closest friends to help you get around. Just like after a good dive, i noticed that i had cuts and bruises on my knees and ankles. It must be me brushing up againts some corals or fish. I was hynotized by the whole journey that i failed to notice that i got hurt along the way. When i finally realized , it was too late. The cuts and bruises were already there. Like you said, they will heal. Only time will tell. Hmm... I pray and hope that we will get through this changes in one piece, with few minor scrathces , nothing major, nothing that a colorful band-aid can't cure and as an added bonus , we'll learn something new.Amen!

Friends and Festivals

Hi-eeee! Hmm, on Friday I slept at 4am! As if I was re-celebrating Raya. Normally on Raya eve, you’ll sleep late either cooking or cleaning the house. So I cooked and baked. I started at midnight , that explains why I had to sleep at 4am. My ‘gulai’ and cheese cake turned out well. So I wasn’t complaining. I promised myself that after Hannah recovered from her fever that I’ll do a little ‘kenduri’ and I thought Syawal is the perfect month to do it. I catered for extra food besides making the ‘gulai’, spaghetti and cheese cakes. My friends come and some relatives. It was tiring but it was a happy occasion. I invited students too but not from my program. If I were to invite them then I need to invite the whole 300 plus of them but instead I invited a group of students I used to teach. They are not from my program, they are from other programs. They are the first and the last students so far who had gotten invites to my house. I’ll keep it that way for now. Next year when I move to the new place then I will consider inviting more. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. My current apartment is pretty small and I just can’t afford to invite everyone. Next year, maybe because our place will be slightly bigger than this one.

Anyway the last batch came at 8pm. My best friends from school. They are like sisters and I cooked spaghetti for Annie because she loves it. I cooked the curry and ordered ‘roti sorai’ for Lisa because she loves that. Irene eats everything and she loves my cheese cakes. Anyway, one thing I noticed about having good friends over. They don’t need to be served. They make themselves at home. But I am beginning to take Ned as my good friend. We don’t normally say nice things to each other but I had visited his parents place in Ipoh and he came to my house that day. He made himself at home. His first destination when he entered my house was to go and see the kitchen. He ate and after a while he opened my fridge and scanned the stuff in there. He laid his eyes on a box of Turkish delights and took them out and started eating them. It was a annoying and refreshing at the same time. That’s the feeling he normally gives me with his actions. H bought ice cream for the kids. After feeding the kids, H kept the box of ice cream in the fridge. Ned, with his already thick face, asked me where did H keep the ice cream because he wanted some. Again – annoying and refreshing. He ate and talked to Alex and the rest of the gang. Okay back to my girlfriends from school. They, I have known for more that 20 years, so they made themselves at home.They ate and I joined them. We talked and they told me that I looked tired. I guess my face was showing by then but I wasn’t sleepy or anything. We talked and exchange gifts. That’s our rituals every time we see each other. This year especially because we were so busy with work that we had to postponed our outings a couple of times. The last celebration was supposed to be for Annie’s birthday which was in June. We couldn’t meet then, so this is the first time that we got together since her birthday. Lisa, Irene and I gave Annie her long overdue gifts. Irene gave Hannah her gifts. Irene will never forget, she has a soft spot for Hannah. Hannah will always warms up to Irene first and no matter how long they didn’t see each other. It’s heart warming to see that kind of bond. Okay talking about good friends too, they will tell me sincerely if something is not right. Annie told me that the bihun is spoiled. I looked at it and smelled it and agreed with her. Irene volunteered to taste it because she said it doesn’t smell spoil yet. She did that and she said it was about to but still can be eaten. I told her that we better not. There are many other dishes that they can eat. Everybody agreed to that and we continued eating and talking.Quickly forgetting about the spoiled bihun. Imagine this happening with my collegues. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the embarrassment but then again with my ‘life’s too short ‘ policy, I think I’ll get over the embarrassment. Ultimately , I don’t think they’ll tell me, I will get the hint when I see them throwing the bihun away. That’s the difference between good friends and acquaintances. Another thing, Irene and Lisa(They celebrate Chinese New Year and not Raya) will expect me to pack for them the Raya cookies every year without fail and Annie(she celebrates Raya) will understand if I don’t give her any. It’s this history and understanding that are so hard to find or establish if you are new in the relationship/friendship. I love them and they know that even though we only see each other about 7-8 times a year. The finale will be our photo sessions as all my friends are ‘photo whores’ including me. I said that with love of course. It won’t be complete without a photo session. By the time they left it was nearing 11 pm. I packed all the things that they wanted. They went home happy. We exchanged raya ang pows and deepavali angpows. Normally it’ll be Irene and Me doing the exchanging, Lisa and Annie will just give to Hannah because they don’t have kids yet. Here’s a toast to good friends!! Hear!Hear!

Sudah jatuh, ditimpa tangga

It wasn’t as bad as what the title suggests but you know me, I like the drama and the element of surprise. Once in a while, need to practice a bit of Bahasa. This particular entry has all the element of humor, action, thriller and hmm..romance (just a tad). It happened all in a Sunday. The day started out with a lot of promises. I got up pretty late due to a late night doings the night before. H suggested that we grab something light for breakfast and then go to the mall for a bit of grocery shopping and lunch. We did that and as we were leaving the mall and going to the car, my sis text me and said that my dad has been bitten by a snake. How’s the story so far? What did I tell about drama eh? It’ll only happen in my family. Trust me. Okay back to the story. Imagine my thoughts then and all sorts of emotions and feelings were running through my head at that time , I am surprise that it didn’t explode and there goes Wan’s brain all over the sidewalk ( I know, I miss saying that!). But it didn’t. I called my sis immediately and asked her to explain to me what had happened. She said that Mom asked Dad to fix a water pipe at the back of the house. He did that it seems. Dad is the so called handy man in the house. He is also the carpenter. I remembered all the wooden stools that he had created with his bare hands and some tools of course. They were sturdy and have unique designs that will put an artist to shame. The same goes for the plumbing and pipes around the house. It will function well but one glance you won’t say that it’s a pipe. Most of them look like an exposed car engine. You get what I mean. My family will always tease him about it and he will laugh with us. We do this with love, mind you. I remembered his latest creation - multi-tier water pipes at the kitchen sink. The top one is for unfiltered water and the bottom for filtered. You can actually see the one pipe lurking at the top and one sneaking at the bottom. It’s a work of art where you won’t find it anywhere else. Okay he did the pipes and then he thought that while waiting for the plaster or glue to dry he’ll kill time by chopping off a tree in-front of the house. During Raya there were a lot of people visited our house and at one time there were five cars in front of the house not including ours. Dad told me that he needs to chop off the tree and then two more cars can be parked at the vacant space. He told me then. I guess that fateful day he had decided to chop it off. Off with his head! That’s from Alice in wonderland. We do have some vulgar fairy tales. Hmm. Okay my sis said that as he was chopping the tree, the snake bit his hand and he screamed. And then I asked her what happened and she said mom grabbed some ointment and smoldered it on his arm. Then they called one of our neighbors to send him to the hospital. Mom, when faced by a crisis like this won’t be able to think let alone drive. Then I asked my sis what happened after that, she said that she is in the hospital and waiting for my dad. He was taken into the emergency room while mom and sis waited outside. Then I asked her again, how’s dad? That was when she started crying. She muttered “I don’t know”. Then I asked her to pass the phone to mom. Mom was also crying. Just imagine my feelings then. I asked mom and she said that the neighbor accompanied my dad in the emergency room. They asked mom and sis to wait outside. I asked mom why. Her exact words “ I guess maybe they think we’ll make a scene”. I wanted to smile but then at that time I had forgotten how. I told mom to calm down and let’s hope for the best. My sis said that she didn’t call anyone yet not even my brothers who is half an hour away. I hung up and called Haris and asked him to get himself there. I detected unesiness in his voice after I conveyed the message to him. He was worried. Back in our minds we were thinking of the accident that happened to dad a couple of years ago,I guess all of us are relieving the moments of the accident. Dad was involved in an accident about 3 years ago- exactly my tenure here. At that time Haris was the one who conveyed the message to me. It was worse then. He talked to me for a few seconds and then he broke down. He said it looked bad. There were blood everywhere even on Udin’s shirt. Udin was the one who accompanied my dad on the ambulance. Dad’s was lying on his lap while waiting for the ambulance. That was even more horrific. I cringed with fear whenever I recalled the accident and the first time I saw my dad. We couldn’t recognize him. We drove that night and reached Penang at 3am. At 7am we went to the hospital and found his bed empty and my mom wasn’t there. I didn’t panic. Seriously! Asked the nurse, she said they have taken him for x-ray. She showed us the room. H and I rushed in and H went straight to the back of the hall. I stopped at the door and scanned the room. I couldn’t see mom. My eyes rested on this old man on a wheel chair in the middle of the room. His eyes and face were swollen with bruises and blood. He had bandages on his arms and head plus a neck bracket. Even the bandages got blood on them. I asked myself – he doesn’t look like dad at all. But my legs were carrying me towards him and I kneeled down and look up at him and said “Ba”. He looked down at me and say “ You came back”. See ! What did I tell you about drama? That was then, this is now. So back to Haris. We knew and we were feeling the same kind of dejavu silently. Dad was in the emergency room for nearly one hour. I was keeping in contact with mom, sis and Haris for like every 10 minutes. Even H was worried. He and my dad had this special bond that it’s almost funny to see the two of them together. Mom and I called them the ‘odd couple’. They are so different but they are close. So unlike my dad to hug and show affection but H will demand it. He’ll hug dad and relay all his funny jokes to dad and treated dad like a normal human being. Hmm….that’s strange. All this while I didn’t view my dad as a normal guy. He’s a dad. He is my dad. Hmm. I talked to mom and mom said they injected some anti-toxin and some anti-venom and some other stuff. They managed to catch the snake and brought it for the doc to see. After this I’ll never look at Hospital Balik Pulau the same again. It’s kindda canggih. An anti-venom? After about an hour of numerous phone calls, dad called me. He said “You don’t’ worry, I am fine. My arm is a bit swollen but the doc said that I should be fine. Don’t have to come back. I am fine”. I was so relief. I passed the phone to Hannah and they had a granddaughter-grandpa talk. Then I talked to mom and my brothers had assured me that they’ll stay with mom, dad and sis till after dinner. The doc wanted him for the night for observation purpose. After the whole commotion of dad and the snake, we were preparing for Hannah’s concert and graduation. Yep. My baby is growing up so fast. We were in a hurry because we have to drop her off at 6pm. I sat at the back with her because I needed to do her make up. She’s so pretty even though the dress was a bit too striking for me. Thank God she’s fair and has Chinese features. If she has my features and skin color, they will say that she’s an Indian. The costume was in red and gold! H was telling me that both concerts are centered on Indian dancing. Last year was on a Tamil dance. This year was on a Hindi number. Anyway, we dropped her off and saw many parents were there already filling half of the auditorium already. H and I dropped Hannah to her teacher and we found our place in the middle of the hall. We waited for the first number. She was doing a pom-pom dance. She looked so different with the make up and a sparkly top but she looked happy. She did everything right. Towards the end she and another girl was suppose to carry the banner that says ‘welcome’ but somehow her side, the stick came out from the hem. She acted quickly, in a split second, she put the stick back in and she stood proudly holding the banner. I was so proud of her. I still am. The MC commented on how fast she reacted to the situation. Then she added a bit of promo- “in CEC we not only teach your children what’s written in books but also on how to solve problems and to be quick in thinking and coming up with solutions when the situation persists. The Indian dance was wonderful. She was enjoying herself and she danced well. I was beaming with pride and I succumbed to what all the other mothers were doing, waving at your children in the dark. I told myself it was silly because they couldn’t see you because the lights were on them and not on us. But I did it anyway, I waved and smiled. After the concert we went to buy her ‘ bread-fish-bread’ because she didn’t have her dinner yet. She was hungry. After that we headed home. It was drizzling and all of us were tired. When we reached home, I couldn’t find my keys. The keys were with me last. We searched in the car then I remembered the noise I heard when we were leaving for Hannah’s concert near the guard house. It sounded like something fell. I walked to the guard house and looking for the keys. I informed the guard. I walked back to the house and relayed the news to H. He wasn’t angry and he didn’t say anything hurtful but I can see that he wasn’t happy. He was coming down with the flu and he was tired. He asked me to get in the car and we’ll go back to the concert hall to check if I had dropped it in the hall. It was a good half and hour ride. He searched but to no avail. I called Alex and conveyed her the news. I asked if she has any locksmith’s number. She said she hasn’t but she said she’ll ask Snake(her hubby). H suggested that we bunk in at his sis’s place. The idea doesn’t sound good to me. I am in my jeans and t-shirt. I had to invigilate the next day. Alex offered her house. I would rather go to Alex’s. H didn’t want to because he said it’s out of the way. Alex even text H to ask him to go over. A good ten minutes later Alex call with a locksmith’s number. I called and the locksmith agreed to come. I told H we needed to stop by at an atm for cash. That was another wild goose chase. We went to nearly 10 atms and we couldn’t withdraw the cash. I finally encountered a guard infront of DEMC and he told me that after 12 midnight , you can’t withdraw money from most banks’ atm. That’s my silver lining- new information. I sat down in the car and I looked at H and we kept quiet for the longest second and then he reminded me that we have some cash in the house. Yes. We do. So we went home and I followed the locksmith up. I saw him did his thing. It reminded me of Italian Job-the movie. In the movie they were dealing with safes but that night I was looking at the man picking at my locks. It took him 15 minutes to get through the three locks. Then I am in. Took the money and paid him. Rushed downstairs, carried the sleeping Hannah up to her bed. Then only I started breathing well. H said goodnight and went to sleep. So that was my manic Sunday. It was a crisis of emotions and feelings. But surprisingly towards the end I was calm. I slept at 3am. After preparing H and Hannah’s stuff and reflecting on what had happened. I went to work in the morning looking bewildered and like a zombie. My attention and focus were off. But I laughed nevertheless, my way of releasing tension. My friends noticed that I wasn’t myself that day. Okay that’s the end of my manic Sunday. It was one hell of a day and I survived! Gotta go do some work. Hehe. Adios Amigos!

life

Pavarotti has died. Hmm… life and death are two subjects that everybody knows about. You don’t have to be a professor with a phd to write about life or death. Hence, me writing this entry in my recently untouched web log. Anyway, my focus today will be on life. Life is too short to dance with ugly men. Life is too short for you to dwell (in dwelling 10? never mind.) on something other than what’s important to you. But it’ll be tricky if everything is important. Hmm.. then take the best 5 on the list. I attended a program organized by my students this morning involving the SPCA. There were cats on display and a few booths highlighting the cruelty on animals. Gosh the gory images of slaughtered cats and dogs are beyond your imagination. I cannot comprehend as to why people do that but maybe in their minds, the animal’s life value less than human. But again, who are you to take another life. You are not the creator. I guess that’s why in some parts of the world, capital punishment is eliminated. Poor cats and dogs.
I remembered not too long ago, a friend of mine, she used to and I think she still is one of the cats and dogs’ evangelists. She would literally walk through fire to safe a cat or dog. We need people like that more in this world. Just to balance with all the cruelty and violence.
The program went well and my friends were there as always to give me their support and encouragement. The saying that says, live your life to the fullest and make it meaningful to you won’t be complete without friends and family. They will be there when no one else would. They are not perfect and come with a renewable warranty. You need to always remind that to yourself because you are a friend too and you are not perfect.
Families too. They come with a no-return policy and they are yours forever. They are dysfunctional but they are the most priceless asset in your life.
I was talking to one of my closest friends from school just now and we were trying to match our menses dates and were disappointed when they are no where near. Actually we were planning for our girls weekend for like the last 6 months but everyone’s busy and the dates just don’t seem right. Ramadhan is coming and it’s going to be difficult for us especially. The other two are ok because they don’t fast. But the idea of getting together is good even though we seldom do get a chance to be together. Just like last week, I was all alone in Langkawi and I noticed that I talked a lot to myself. When I was walking or making decision, I voiced my thoughts out loud and it was a bit scary when I realized it was happening. When people started to look, then I snapped out of it. I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I was even laughing out loud all of a sudden. Imagine this, me walking in a duty free shop, threading the aisle of rows and rows of lollies and chocolates then I laughed out loud. If you do not know what I was thinking seconds before the burst of laughter then you’d think I am crazy but then even if you knew you’d still think I am a bit nuts. One screw somewhere in my cerebral cortex is loose I think. After that I was in Penang and they were a lot of conversations (yes, with other people) and I haven’t been back since Chinese New Year. A lot has changed in my brothers’ lives and my parents. There were a lot of stories that I wasn’t aware of. It was interesting to listen to family gossips. There were sessions of gifts exchanging as well. Dad had gone somewhere during the time I wasn’t home and had bought some ‘ole-ole’ for H and I. I was in Brisbane and I distributed mine as well. Everybody seems happy and contented with their gifts. Hannah was especially happy and when H and I wanted to do a bit of rendezvous-ing in town on Saturday morning, she refused to follow because she wanted stay with dad and sis. H and I took the opportunity to spend sometime alone. It was wonderful because we found a small stall selling ‘apom teloq’ in Pulau Tikus even though it wasn’t as good as the ones Aci makes but it was good. We bought 30 and it was gone in a split second. We consumed 10 on the way to the car. They were delicious and hot. The rest we took it home and Hannah loves it. So does the rest of the family.
After that H dropped me at The Sanctuary at the Gurney. It was for me to have my spa. Yes! Yes! Finally!! I had a 45minutes message and half an hour soaked in a Jacuzzi filled with milk mixed with rose petals. Heaven! The 45 minutes message was a revelation to me as I had never went through a full body message before. It was front and back. It was intimidating at first but when she kneaded almost every inch of my body, I can’t help but to relax and enjoy it. It’s not expensive and I am definitely going back there for another one. My body glowed after the session and I was smiling all the way to the car.
It was a great weekend. I got to talk to mom and tasted fruits from dad’s so called orchard. It was good to go back where you belong even though I was preoccupied with something that’s not that important. I let it get to me. When I was crying due to frustration, Hannah came and wipe my tears and said” Mummy, you are a big girl and big girls don’t cry. Okay mummy” I can’t help but smiled at her and gathered myself up and forgot about the whole thing. I enjoyed my weekend after that. The view from my room was magnificent (as attached). Unfortunately it wasn’t that clear because I took it with my mobile which only has a 1.3 megapixel camera.
In conclusion, I am thankful for a lovely family of my own, I am thankful of my initial family and I am thankful of good friends. I am thankful of this life that God has given me plus all the heartaches and hues and cries. Have great weekend everyone! Chao!

Monster me

I haven’t been myself lately. I have been everything I am against. I was moody, snappy and I jumped a lot. Not literally. I always tell myself in whatever circumstances, to always give the other party benefit of the doubt. Always think positive and not jump to conclusion but I did that so many times last week that I don’t know myself anymore. It was a hard and difficult week. I had two confrontations with my students. Both times, were awkward moments that I wish didn’t happen in the first place but I came to my senses fast enough to change it into a positive learning experience instead of a negative one. It was horrible. It will always give me this icky feeling whenever I think about them. It’s like finding vagisil in your parents’ bedroom. Eeeeww!
But both times, I was shaken by the predicament. I don’t know what was wrong with me, I didn’t only jump to conclusion but I leaped! It was so unlike me. I had become this monster that I didn’t recognize. There was no compassion or consideration in me that I wonder what had happened to me. I cringed with uneasiness when I think about our confrontation. Another vagisil moment!Stop!
I don’t like myself when I was with my students. With one of the classes, I was angry all the time and I can see fear on their faces but somehow they didn’t make an effort to pacify my anger, they made it worse by not preparing for class. I couldn’t tolerate that especially when they are so young. I want what’s best for them. Oh gosh, I am beginning to sound like my mom! Anyway, I had a self-reflection time a couple of days back. I realized anger and snapping at everything isn’t an answer. Gosh! I had become one of them. I am one of the zombies with no feelings or compassion for others. I remembered when I first joined this organization; I had witnessed a session by some of the staff with some students. They were so stern and fierce with the students that I had loath that session. Looking back and now, I had become one of them. That scared the hell out of me. Please God, I have derailed, pull me back on the right course please. The weekend had put me back in perspectives and I told myself that I had to try harder to go against the current, no matter how hard it is going to be. After all I am a good swimmer. See ya!

Me against the world

It’s not what you are thinking. Everything is going smoothly, well at least most of them but I was finding fault with everything and everybody. I didn’t have any confrontations or anything exciting like that but I questioned everything that had happened, everything that was said and written. I questioned them in silent and I refused to try to understand and I gave up. I blamed it to the long day of trying to be in controlled and to be composed. Entertaining guests can be really tiring and talking properly using proper English also takes a lot of energy-mentally and physically- in you. After the whole day of doing that, I was ready to just not try anymore. This is one of the biggest snags working in an organization where everybody speaks Malay. You try very hard to not get drawn into the circle but gradually you are. Then you started to talk in Malay more and it’s good, especially for me because now I can use ‘warwar’ in the right context and I know that tarikh ajal is the direct translation for deadline and ‘batang ria’ too. I know now that ‘ralat’ is an expression of emotion rather than some tools you need to use in fixing your car! It’s all good but you only realized that it’s not such a good thing when something like today happened. I was tired and the night before because I was sick and I gulped down three types of medicine. This morning I got up at 6.30am and appeared at the office at 7.45am. By the time the commotion settled down, it was already 5pm. Then, the students came and the rest was details. After all that, I gave up. I refused to try, to fight, to question. That’s when ‘I can’t do this anymore’ blurted out. It’ll end there if I don’t talk but if I continued to talk then tears will follow.
Even with H in the car, I have exhausted all the words in my head and the refusal to do anything has a lot of bearing in me not wanting to say a word throughout the journey home. He has not been very talkative lately. I have been busy and we haven’t been talking lately. After six years of being together, muttering 2-3 sentences in half hour still falls under the conversation category. We weren’t having much ‘conversation’ lately and it got me worried, so I tried to get the ‘conversation’ rolling, just to get to the 2-3 sentences quota so that I could give a pat on my back for a job well done, but during the journey home, I went dumb. I didn’t try to initiate any conversation. I stopped everything. It was funny to see H taking over my role as the ‘conversation’ initiator. He got to the 2-3 sentences and he was still pushing his luck by continuing to initiate more! After a while he was talking to himself and me muttering ‘hmm’.
It’s just that I have a whole lot of things to do and next week journey to Brisbane is daunting and intimidating. I am frightened but I want to do it. It’s like going into a big dark cave- it’s terrifying but I still fancy to explore it, knowing that I could be bitten by snakes or other creeper crawlies somehow was not an issue once I have my mind set on going in even though it’s bloodcurdling! It’s just me and I am complicated.

untitled

Dad called about 10minutes before ‘waktu berbuka’ just now. He was asking for Hannah before my battery went dead. After picking Hannah from the babysitter’s place, I called him back and passed the phone to Hannah. It was heartwarming listening to them talk about fishing, school and how she told her ‘Atuk Ba’ that she was fasting today. She told her grandpa that she didn’t eat anything today. Her face was beaming with pride when she told her grandpa that. Then she added she only drank a few cups of water today, no food just water. That constitutes her definition of fasting. I heard my dad laughed and made his promise to take her fishing. A promise normally he will keep nowadays. After that Hannah passed the phone to me. I asked dad, why the sudden call especially at this odd hour. He said he was worried about Hannah after the body of a girl was found in a gym bag dumped near a shop lot recently. He was ranting about how the psychopath needs to be locked up for hurting children. He ended his sermon with a few advice to me to always look out for Hannah and make sure that she’s near and that I’m always holding her hand whenever we go out. Then he reminded me about the incident at IKEA.

I have lost Hannah once. Irene and Alvin wanted to take her to the playground nearby , while H and I waited in the café. After about 10 minutes, I saw Irene came back with a worried face and delivered us the bad news. H turned to me with a worried face. I almost ran but I didn’t know where I was going, I needed to just go somewhere with the hope to find my baby. She was 3years old then. Everybody panicked and we were scramming in all sorts of directions, trying to find Hannah, leaving all the stuff we have bought in IKEA in the trolley unattended. I finally stopped and I looked around. I turned and I saw Alvin pointing at one direction. I saw Hannah being led by a uniform clad employee and they were going down the stairs. I saw Alvin ran to the stajrs and scooped her up, thanked the employee and brought Hannah to us. Alvin and Irene said sorry profusely to H and I. We knew it was not intentional but I thank God that we found Hannah. So after talking to Dad, I remembered that dreadful experience.
The second thing on my mind was that they found Zurin, the missing girl. I told H to get today’s newspapers and H said that he brought back a copy of NST for me. After breaking our fast at one of the mamak stalls near our house, we went home. The first thing I did was read the newspapers. I was appalled and I cried relating the story to H. The girl they found in the bag was sexually molested and tortured. The papers printed the girl’s photo on the front page. It was an angelic face of a child who died on the hands of a maniac!
In Australia, a girl was found without her parents wandering at the airport. They couldn’t identify her because she didn’t carry any identification with her. She’s only 3 or 4 years old. She’s alive and well except that her parents were no where to be found. The father was with her before supposedly leaving on a plane to the states. Now police from 3 countries are joining forces to find the parents- New Zealand(as they are Chinese with New Zealand citizenship, the girl was found in Australia and the father was leaving to the US). The wonderful thing was that, when they couldn’t identify the girl, they named her ‘pumpkin’ as she was donning from top to toe in Pumpkin Patch’s brand. It is equivalent to Osh Kosh but Australian based brand specializing in kids clothing. I wish we could give the girl we found in the bag a name, instead of calling her “a girl in a gym bag”. The heartbreaking thing was that she was found without any clothing on except bruises that tells a revolting story of torture and senseless idiotic act of cruelty. I want to call her angel because of her angelic face. I pray to God to always let Hannah be with me. I don’t think I can even think of the idea of her missing or be in that predicament. My prayers go out to angel and may she be in heaven where she belongs. My prayers also go to the people that love her. Good night and Happy Fasting.

Hannah

Hi-ya all! Hannah is better now but it was like going through hell and back seeing her sick. After seeing the chirpy doc. She was ok for only one day. It was on Saturday night that her temperature rose up again. At 3am in the early Sunday morning, she was vomitting and crying and i felt her body was hot. I started sponging her and asked her to take her medicine. That sunday i told a friend that i would go and support her function which was at work and i didnt hesistate this time. I picked up the phone and sms my ride that i couldnt go and then i sms my friend. AFter that i took Hannah to the medical center and this time we saw the chirpy doctor again and this time her temperature was 40.2. This time around the doc didnt shoot me a piercing look but instead she looked at me with compassion. I think she was tired and her chripyness was wearing off. She changed Hannah anti-biotics and we went home with the new set of medicine. I took Hannah to work on Monday since there was no management meeting and replacement classes. I wanted to monitor her condition and i wanted to be there just incase if it got worse. She was alright. The next day, we sent her to the daycare and when i called during midday at the daycare center, they said that her condition was getting worse. We took her to the medical center again and the doctor wanted to admit her but after seeing our worried faces, he said let's take her blood again and do the test. We took her to take her blood. She was screaming and crying that my heart reached out to her. H and I were tired and we didnt get enough sleep since Hannah was sick, and seeing her cried and the way she begged me not to take her to the nurse because she didnt want the needle, somehow ripped my heart apart. I almost make a fool of myself of crying infront of the pack hall of the hospital. I wish i could give my arm so that she wouldnt have to go through the pain but i can't. So H had to be stern and then she called me and i hugged her while the nurse squeezed blood out of her little finger until it filled a tube. They did the test and changed to another anti-biotics and we went home. I was restless because i had to leave her on Wednesday till Friday. I didnt want to but we were short handed to manage the conference. I was one of the committee members and i had to be there. I broke down in my class thinking about her. A few hours before leaving for the hotel, i made up my mind to bring her with me. At least she'll be near. I got a few of the volunteers to take turns to take care of her while i work but i went up to see her during lunch time; to feed her and bathe her. On the 2nd night we were there, she got better. We extended our stay and she got better and better. Her appetite got better too. When she was sick she refused to eat or talked. Her weight plummeted to 12kg from 19kg before. She was skin and bones. Now she's better and it was a lesson learnt for me. I took it to heart when one of my collegues said that the reason she's sick was because i dont hug her enough. I was going for an alternative medicine when modern medicine has failed. My collegue gave me 'air zam-zam' and after finishing a bottle of the water, her body cooled down. No more fever. I was hurt but there were some truth in what she has said about me not hugging Hannah enough. I was away in Brisbane and immediately after coming back , instead of spending time with her, i was at work, immersing myself with work even during weekends. I didnt have time with her. Every clouds has a silver lining and even dark ones like mine. This is my silver lining. I hug her more, i talked to her more. I spend more time reading to her and i kiss her more. We do girls things together and she gets my jokes. She's talkative like before. I cooked last week and she ate quite a lot. After her lunch, she said down and rubbed her round tummy and said " oh goodness i am so full". She is sounding more and more like me. I found her using all the phrases that i used. The other day she said " Mummy, can i say something?" She was so serious that i was actually scared of what she wanted to say. Then She said " My friend has the same clip that you are wearing. It's very pretty mummy, justlike you". I love the conversation we are having. I wish i could record each and every one of it and stash them in a safe somewhere. So that when i am older and she no longer stays at home and has a family of her own, i couldview them one by one to see how my little girl has grown. I thank god for Hannah. She is my life. Love your children because they are God's gift and God has bestowed the trust on us to love them the best we can. See you later aligator! (David would replied " in awhile crocodile") I miss David and the whole moo gang.

Me and HIM

I wanted to write this a long time ago but again the normal excuse- I don’t have the time will always fill the ‘reason’ column. I found God again. I know God is always there but I haven’t been speaking to Him for a long time. Not intentionally at least. But a couple of months ago, I felt lost and alone. H and I we weren’t talking for many days. At that time I was face on with my friendship issues and Frasier was as elusive as ever and it so happened that at that time he was in one of his “leave me alone’ mode. I felt lost and not at peace. I remembered Alex called and asked me why I wasn’t picking the phone and I told her that I was praying. There was a long awkward silent and I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. After awhile, we laughed. I wanted to talk to her but I just couldn’t. I rather talk to God. I did and I felt a whole lot better after that. I have been doing that since. I miss the conversation that I used to have with Him. But now, I talked to him everyday. I ask him without fail everyday, to brush away all the hatred in my heart, to give me the strength to face everyday, every obstacle and to face my colleagues. I ask him to give me the passion and love for this industry that I am in. To give me good health and a peace of mind. I ask him to give me strength to fight temptations. To give me the courage to do what’s right. To stop my tears when someone I care about hurt me with outrageous request and hurtful words. To guide me when there’s no one there. To let me appreciate my family and friends more and vice versa. To let my friends know it in their hearts that whatever I do for them is out of love and sincerity. I asked God to always keep me humble and down to earth.
Somehow, I am much stronger now but there are still things that I find hard to resist and avoid. It’s the matters of the heart. It’s hard to do the right thing when your mind and your heart are saying different things. It’s a paradox. It feels so right but so wrong. It hurts when you are in it alone, feeling the things you are feeling alone, without anyone to talk to. It’s hard to keep up with this façade and carry on this act but this is my life. I have chosen this path and I am living it. Okay enough self pity for one night. I’ll write soon.Chao!

finding my voice

The long overdue padang trip entry. Sorry!

I told H last night that he was wonderful and through out the journey to work today, he has this smirk on his face that was adorable and irritating rolled into one. That was not what I wanted to write about here. I wanted to write about my trip to Padang. It was great, surprisingly. I will tell you why. It was daunting at first. Why? Because I told Dr M that I was presenting. It was not as if I had a choice. He asked everyone else whether they wanted to go but when it comes to me, it was “have you booked your ticket?” I’ve got a ticket to ride, I’ve got a ticket to ride and I don’t care! Hehe. The light and easy channel is getting to me with all the oldies which I love! Anyway, I booked my tickets three days before leaving and everyone else booked theirs months before. The 2nd reason as to why it a daunting trip was because well I was alone. None of my close friends wanted to go. Someone was supposed to keep me company and we were going to have an adventure as tourists but in the end couldn’t go because he hadn’t renewed his passport. He had only realized this at the last minute. So I had to go alone and also because I felt obligated to Dr M, that was why I agreed. I talked Zoey into going and I thought we could share a room together (the package was on a twin-sharing basis) , she agreed to go but she brought her hubby with her. So even before going I accepted the fact that I am bound to stay by myself which is a blessing in disguise because I am not comfortable sharing a room with someone I don’t really know. Nellie is staying with her hubby and daughter. So it’s just me, myself and I. I was at the airport at 5.45am. H sent me and after that he took Hannah back to my in-laws place. He said it is easier and she’ll be occupied playing with her cousins and she won’t ask about me as much. But she cried at night before going to sleep because mummy wasn’t there. I felt horrible when H told me when I called from Indonesia. Anyway, this is one of the sacrifices that I have to do to provide her all the best things in life. Ok. At the airport Nellie was with Sherry. I arrived at the same time with Adam and we sat together with Sherry and Nellie for breakfast. On the plane I ended up sitting with Sherry and her friend. We reached Padang at 9 plus and went straight to the hotel and it was no surprise when Sam gave me a room to myself. It was a nice room overlooking the sea. Nellie was always reminding me that we should go swimming when we have the chance. I was glad that she’s there even though we are not really close but at least she’s eager enough to be my friend. My voice was not coming out. It was due to my cough and lack of rest. I have been leaving the office late to finish my paper. I finished it and it was an amazing feeling. It was hell though trying to finish it. Alex said that I looked so stressed out that she should have video taped me in the midst of finishing my paper, crazy!. I wish she was with me. This is the first time I am presenting without her. Anyway, I regarded this journey as an adventure that sooner or later I have to braze through, alone without Alex. Sob! We were at the hotel for a few minutes and then we took off to the university. The journey there, Nellie sat next to me because her hubby and kid stayed at the hotel. It was beautiful and scenic journey. I saw padi fields, fish ponds and huge satellite dishes at almost every house we passed by. A weird combination but nevertheless interesting. We reached the Uni and saw Johnny and the rest of the gang. He looked happy. It was nice seeing him. The Big boss was there and surprisingly he raised his hand from far just to say hi to me. It was a nice feeling to be recognized by the big kahuna. Anyway, the official opening was interesting; the big boss was given a beetle nut leaf to eat as part of their welcoming culture. Interesting. Then there was the opening and then the speeches and the agreement signing. Then it was Adam’s turn to present. It was funny on how he changed his slang when he speaks to the public. His session was surprisingly long. Then it was lunch. I totally lost my voice. The hot food, weather and the lack of sleep didn’t help at all. Even in the hall we were sweating and you can see that we were using papers to fan ourselves and the Indonesians were sitting ever so comfortably and looking cool and compose and we looked like we were melting and it was an air-conditioned room! Geez! In the afternoon session, Johnny sat behind me, Nellie and Sherry. I was bored with all the Indonesian speaking presenters when that was supposed to be an international conference! I played with my camera, snapping here and there because I have no voice to speak! Johnny, Nellie and Sherry accommodated me. They were giving me zany poses and it was hilarious and it was so frustrating to laugh without a voice! I even talked to Johnny using sign language and he was very accommodating as well and at one point I got tired of signing and I wrote on a piece of paper and he wrote back. I guess he must have pitied me being alone without Alex. It was a trip of discovery. A discovery of a new place, discovery of me in a different setting, filled with different people in the background and at my side. A discovery of how resilient I can be facing such situation. I needed to find my voice literally and socially speaking in these foreign settings.It was hard at first and I guess GOD wanted to make it more interesting and took my voice for a few days and put me in a foreign place attached with some ‘foreign’ people, I mean they don’t belong in my group of friends. It’s funny come to think of it and Who says GOD doesn’t have a sense of humor, look at me and my predicament! I think I have faired quite well. Miraculously, right on the very second they called my name to present which was on the 2nd day, There’s a bit of voice came out. I spoke and presented and explained and I looked like I have been doing this for years. No heart pumping nerve wrecking situation, No need Nabil for a mouth to mouth resuscitation like Alex and I almost experienced during our first real international conference. I was fine and fit like a bull except for my husky voice. I wasn’t nervous at all. I was amaze with myself. It was an amazing feeling but I wasn’t nervous one bit. I guess deep down inside me I knew that three quarter of the people in the hall would be clueless with what I was saying because I was one of the three speakers that spoke in English in this so called ‘international conference’! Johnny took my photo during the presentation. It was an honor. Dr Darren said that I have the sexiest voice among all presenters. Oh stop! J After it was over, I was proud of myself and I wish my close friends and H were there to cheer me up. I felt alone but it was quite impossible to be in that gloomy place for long because Nellie was everywhere keeping me busy with things and her plans to shop for what, where, how many and the whole nine yards! I think she covered the 5Ws and 2Hs in every itinerary that she had planned for us. Just the two of us though. And I am thankful because during some of the crucial times she was my voice. Asking the receptionist for a glass of lime juice because she insisted that I needed one and when the Jawa don’t seem to have any asam jawa, how ironic! She was there with me. I am thankful. I wasn’t alone physically. Alex called me to check on how I was doing. She’s great! But very cheeky, she sms me at night to tease me and scare me about staying in a hotel room all alone. Very cheeky! Surprisingly, the people who were with me in the tour bus whom I wouldn’t consider them as my friends were just that. They became my friends. It’s the foreign country I think. They made jokes like normal people, I used to think of them as those who had originated from a new planet in the solar system (replacing Pluto) but amazingly it has taken Minangkabau to transform them into earthlings! There were some breakthrough jokes and hilariously funny ones such as mengawan solo. It was so funny and the mobile karaoke-ing. We were bored in the bus and it was a three-hour journey from Bukit Tinggi back to Padang. The driver put on an Indonesian karaoke cd and the men sitting behind me tried their luck at singing all those unknown song in Indonesian language and that has resulted in some funny instances. The last song which was a song everyone was familiar with (ayam bin lapih) and everyone sand and Johanny danced in the bus! It was a sight to behold and remembered forever. I sat at the back of the tour bus with Nellie. The funny thing was that, fate has it that I was supposed to sit with Johnny. It wasn’t planned, before we left for the tour, Nellie and I were the last to board the tour bus. When I boarded the bus I saw Johnny sitting next to my stuff. I was happy but it was awkward because there were too many people that belong to the old school of thoughts in the bus that it would be lethal if we did sit together. Johnny got up and Nellie came to the back to sit next to me. Oh well…next time then. I am glad Johnny was with us because he was very helpful, helping me with my bags and shopping. Explaining to me about a lot of things and there was once, I called Nellie and Sherry for an opinion about material for a kebaya. The shop owner had put up for the mannequin to wear the material. All the three of us were admiring the mannequin and both of them agreed that it’s beautiful. Then Johnny came and said that we all have the figures for it and we should buy it. I looked at him and ask him “nice or not?” he nodded and said “yes, very nice”. That was all it took for me to buy it. The last hotel we stayed in Bukit Tinggi named Pusako Hotel gave me the creeps. As soon as I entered the hotel and it was only 5pm in the afternoon, I got a really bad vibe. Nellie offered to keep me company and Sherry asked me to sleep in her room with another lady. I thanked them for their concerns but I bravely went through the night alone. As usual, I switched on all the lights and the tv and drank my cough mixture right from the bottle and went to sleep. I did the same thing the very first night I arrived in Minangkabau and the cough mixture will wear off around 6am but in that hotel, I got up at 3.30am and couldn’t sleep a wink after that. Something wasn’t right. When the clock strikes 6am I got up and got ready. The final night we stayed at this really nice hotel in Padang and the next morning we had to get up early to be at the airport. I was down at the café at 5am and I saw the senior guys were seated around one table and then Johnny came down. There was one seat left at the guys table so I let Johnny sat there and I joined Morgan’s wife and daughter who were sitting next to the guy’s table. We chatted and then the wife told me the history of the Spooky hotel that gave me the bad vibe. It seems that there were cemeteries next to the hotel and there were peculiar incidences that guests had experienced before ie. Finding yourself sleeping on the floor outside of the room the next morning etc. Eeee Spooky. I thank God, nothing happened to me. We were at the airport and Dr Darren agreed to let me share his luggage quota with him. I checked in with him and I was really glad that I survived the trip and that I was going home. I needed to go through this trip. I needed to see me in a different setting, different place, and different people. I needed to see how I would react mingling with literally strangers without having my comfort zone to fall back on to. I needed to find my voice in the midst of everything and everybody and Praise to God , I found it! I found me again!Thank you. Au revoir!