An ooglee

I was ogled at today when I entered the meeting room. That had made me an “ooglee”, it seems. I noticed that a few men started calling me and asking me about my baju Kebaya when I entered the meeting room. I was being fashionably late.Hehe. Dean was one of them. But with Dean, I always welcome his remarks and hellos. He was just commenting on Dr Michael and something funny that we had talked about a few days back. But I had Dr David and Dr Woo coming to me and telling me that some of the men were enchanted by me this morning. Hmm..it’s weird because the kebaya is not new, I have worn it a few times but today I merely complete it with the shawl. Maybe that made a difference. There’s something wrong with the men in this faculty. I have concluded that the spores of this mold infected building have gotten to our brains. The funny thing is that it has different effects to different people. Some ogle, some mutter nonsense, some became mute, , some smiles a lot, some laugh a lot, some eat a lot, some talk a lot, some acquired other side effects such as mental psychosis, gout, massive headaches, slur nonsensical speeches and the worst case scenario is when they turned into a complete koo koo.Sad isn’t it? All those potential down the drain because of poor management of mold. Anyway, with all the attention that I am getting at home and at work and I am no where near being happy. Okay let’s describe my feelings now and it’s 11am. An hour after the meeting. I am feeling tired. Of what? No not because I baked my yummy cheese cake last night. That was a breeze. It took me an hour max. I am excited to get the review since I used fresh vanilla instead of the bottled essence of vanilla. I used the seeds. It looks like poppy seeds and I grated some lemon grinds and wa la! There you have it …the yummy cheesecake. So I wasn’t tired of last night cake making. I am tired emotionally. A collective of past events have succeeded in sucking all the energy out of me. The chirpiness and the peace in me are almost a non-existence. I am tired of everything all of a sudden. I am tired of the banal conversation in the meeting. I am tired of the re-runs of admin work that I have to do. I am tired of becoming this award winning actress in this stage play of my life that I am force to engage. I am tired of orchestrating blockbuster results when it comes to work and meeting expectation. I am tired playing all the wrong parts and feeling something that I shouldn’t. I am tired of hoping and wanting and needing something that is so impossible for me to reach. I am tired of putting on a brave face and happy face for everyone to see. I am tired of planning routine conversations just to go with the flow. I am just tired period. I am also sad. Not because of the weather though... It is gloriously sad today but I like it. I know, complex is nothing near in explaining me. I feel that as if I am living my life but I am on the outside. I am not me. I feel as if I looking at someone who looks like me and being me, leading my life. I am sad because there’s a lot of emotions that has been numbed my circumstances and painful events. But somehow I managed to smile and laugh and go through life as if I have no worries in my life. But friends at work make it worthwhile sometimes. But there’ll be a time when I just want to be gloomy and sad and tired. There’ll a be a time when I don’t want to laugh or play any parts. There’ll be a time when I don’t want to be part of any blockbuster. There’ll be a time when I just want to stay miserable. Just like today…

Wishes

I haven’t written in a while. I have been busy dealing with personal issues and digesting big news and realization. It started during my birthday and I am bit numb now to most things and feelings. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I am still figuring why some had happened. Anyway,I have gotten my scholarship letter about a month ago and I haven’t done anything of significance about it yet. I have been feeling a bit obtuse lately and numb. I can’t describe it further but that’s the one simple word that can sum up what I am feeling right now. H on the other hand is the opposite. He is more attentive and affectionate. The things I have always hope that he’ll be in the last couple of years, he is all that now. So I am getting what I have always wanted and the scholarship and the new IPOD, the new car, the new mobile and the new camera and the New Zealand. Ha! can’t help it! I have new things and a ‘new’ country to go to. What more could I asked for? Normally I don’t go asking for these things, but somehow they found me…especially those that I don’t need…well at least I thought I don’t.
Anyway, yesterday I had fun in class. I am warming up to this bunch of students. They are funny, witty and smart…at least so far, they have been that. I have also started going to the gym. Not my regular gym but the Uni’s. It’s ok but I like mine better. Once I got the car then I am going back to my routine.
Oh yeah I have two concerts to go to soon. Going to see Backstreet Boys on the 27th. Yeah..i was once a groupie. At least they are decent. If you think of me liking BSB is worse then you will cringe with nausea when you know that I USED to go gaga over Tommy Page! See…what did I tell ya. I have asked myself the same question many times in the last 15 years or so. I don’t know what was I thinking then? I haven’t started diving then so there weren’t any nitrogen build up or anything that could have influenced my judgement.And Penang wasn’t as polluted as now so the strong selut smell couldn’t be the compound that could have tarnish the organs in my brains. Unless I was born broken?Yikes!!! ok..let’s not go there. With the rate that I am going now, that could be suicidal. Ok back to Tommy.I don’t know what was going on in my brains when I was squeezed literally from all direction by bodies of mislead human beings for hours just for one sole purpose-to catch a glimpse of Tommy. I will that as it is and will not attempt to try to reason that out. My biggest wonder ever of the one hit wonder. Hehe! Anyway BSB is ok and I am connected to their latest single- inconsolable. And then there’s Harry. Yep! Another Harry Connick jr concert at Philharmonik. Courtesy of an ex student. She’s giving me a free ticket. Knowing harry, the tickets are expensive but her(student) dad(some CEO of a Petronas subsidiary) got two complimentary tickets. I attended the first concert he did in Malaysia a couple years back, a gift from H for my birthday. I was sick and had a fever but because when H went to enquire, there was only one ticket left and it was expensive. So I remembered swallowing a coupleof Panadols and I went alone. It was great and the then King and Queen were there too. So I am anxious to go and have a good time like last time. This time I will be with someone who likes Harry’s music and not stuck with a Datin and her daughter who kept asking the mummy “who is this guy again?”. My ex student remembered that I like Harry and she suggested that I go with her. I was surprised but touched at the offer. Oh yeah another event that I am looking forward to go is the dinner with the gals. It’ll be at Sheraton and we will be dressing up in dinner dresses. Our belated Valentine’s day dinner and also to celebrate our anniversary. Interesting isn’t it? That’s happening next week too.
Toto is also coming to have their concert here. I like them but I don’t think anyone would want to go with me and there’s no fun in going alone. Unless Sam wants to go with me. That would just be looking for trouble especially that he is a colleague and married. Those are the two main criteria that scream that you stay away. It only applies in this organization though. I remembered him telling me that he likes Toto. I think I’ll pass. Asking him is like looking for more trouble. It’s like going to a mat rempit and voluntarily giving your cash, valuables and handbag. I don’t know why Mat rempit..it is an impulsive thing. It just came to me suddenly. An epiphany?