Big Girls School

Hmm… I almost dreaded for this day but it has arrived anyway! Yep. Hannah is starting big girls’ school in about 15 days to be exact. I feel really strongly that she’s growing up a little bit too fast. I can still remember the time when she had just arrived into this world, lying on my tummy, looking at me with those beautiful eyes and blinking. She wasn’t crying. She was too fascinated with the world. Now she’s talking and running and trying out her new school shoes. She’s so excited to go to her big girls’ school. She wanted to grow up and be like me. She says that every other day. Last night I was watching The Suite Life with her.So what’s newJ I was folding the cleaned laundry while watching. Been doing a lot of laundry lately. I just don’t know how other women do it. You work and then you come back and do more work. Without supplements, I don’t think I’d have any energy. So my secret to this whole balancing act is that in my previous life I was in a circus but supplements! Pure and simple, bottles of vitamins Bs, Cs, Ds, Es and the whole nineyards. Okay back to The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. There is a scene where Cody is talking to his mom about letting go of the hawk that has been taking refuge on their balcony. Cody has grown attached to the hawk that he almost didn’t want it to go away- to fly away and be free. The talk they had had moved me to tears. The mom related a story to Cody about how when she was young and wanted to leave home, her mother had let her go, even though it was hard for her to do so. Cody’s mom asked Cody to do the same with the Hawk because it belongs out there in the world and not cooped up on a balcony or in a zoo for that matter. Then the mom said that sooner or later, she would have to do the same thing with Cody and Zack. Cody asked what if the hawk doesn’t make it. Then the mom said ‘that’s a chance that I have to take, the same chance my mom had taken with me’. That’s when the tears came. I wish that Hannah will stay with me forever but I know soon I will have to let her go and experience the world by herself. I need to let her make her mistakes and learn form them. I need her to live her own life. I know I am being melodramatic about it. I guess I have been when it comes to Hannah. She’s my heart and soul! My best friend. Weird you say because she’s only 6 but she gives her opinion on what I wear and she hugs me and kisses me when I am sad. I can talk to her about little things that happened at work. If that doesn’t constitute as friendship then I don’t know what is. She is fixated to be ME. Just like when I was young, my mom was my idol. She still is. I wanted to be her. Literally. I had wished back then that I was as fair as her. I hated my skin color back then but I have been ok with it since before Syracuse. When I was in Syracuse, it reaffirmed my belief that I am special in my own way and I am different from the rest. Syracuse is not only filled with white snow most of the time but also is being inhibited by mostly white Caucasian males and females. I stood out from the rest and I didn’t realized this until Vic pointed it out. Thank you my friend. So it’s not a surprise that Hannah wanted to be me. I have always wanted to be my mom, to have her height, her voice. She has the loveliest voice. Hmm…it’s funny how I am the object of admiration now. Anyway, I wrote today. It’s a story, continuation from last night’s prologue. A story about Hannah.

Hannah II
All these cues have been forcing me to remember that the time is near
For me to let you go
Let you be the big girl that you crave to be
It pains me to even think of the day
To let you be out there into the world
Alone,
without me
to put a jacket on you
when it gets too cold
to hold your hand when you are crossing the road
To wipe the chilli sauce off your mouth after eating
To accompany you to the little girl’s room when need be
To just be with you.
But I know soon, I will have to let you go
Experience the world as you want to
To let you grow up and be a woman
To live through life…
Your life,
This is an inevitable milestone that i have to face
But
Till that fateful day comes,
I pray to GOD to let me be there for you..
For,
I will shower you hugs and kisses
I will talk to you more
I will let you smother me with all your big hugs and sloppy kisses
I will be your best friend
As you will be mine-to infinity and beyond
We will continue learning together
Just like the other day when we learned about ‘fog’
I will be your ‘smelly bolster’
As you will be mine forever
For without you, sleep will never come.
I will guide you
I will teach you
I will hold your hand
I will keep you warm
I will be there when you move from Mary Jane’s to Stilettos
I will comfort you and shoo away all the bad dreams
Fight away all the monsters and demons
Because all mummy-s have super powers
So we can fight demons and defeat monsters!
I will blow all your pain away
I will shield you from hurt
I will be there for you
We’ll explore new frontiers together
the ocean is next on our list..
We’ll have many more girlie days
We’ll bake more cakes and cookies together
We’ll go for more pony rides
We’ll walk together more often
We’ll do our hair together
We’ll dance and sing more
We’ll do gardening together
We’ll play in the rain more
We’ll go shopping and I guess we’ll never be too old to shop!

Please know that you will never be too old to get my hugs and kisses
Please know that you will never be too old to talk to me
Please know that you will never be too old to just sit next to me
Please know that you will never be too old to hold my hand
As long as the sun sets on the horizon and the moon keeps climbing up the ladder of the sky
As long as I am me and you are you
As long as I know how and I am able to
Please remember that…
Remember in your heart that
Mummy loves you sayang!

My Tattoo

No, I am not getting a tattoo. Even though I was tempted to have one when Sharon and Barry had theirs but the realization hit me when I saw blood. Imagine someone carving on my …. Hmmm. Anyway this entry is about emotional tattoos that are permanently engraved in you. In your minds, hearts and soul. I know… Cheezy! Trite! All rolled into one.
I am sure that everyone has had the occurrence of having heard a song and thought to themselves that the song is made for them. Yep. This is one of those moments that I am having. It’s the song Tattoo by Jordin Sparks. A nice song and the lyrics tell a story which is quite similar to mine. It is my song for now. It’s the perfect song right now for me. It says what I had wanted to say but was shy to do. All the words that had failed me before when I was suppose to say them, she said it for me. Here goes :

Tattoo by Jordin Sparks
No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later,
I'll get what I'm asking for
No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger, I
gotta let my spirit be free
To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind
[Chorus]
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new directionI
loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
(Just like a tattoo,
I'll always have youI'll always have you, I'll always have you)

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could
Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind

[Chorus](Just like a tattoo, I'll always have youI'll always have you)
[Bridge]

If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do

It's me day

The day I was born is being celebrated again today. Hmm… it is an understatement when I said celebration. It’s 10pm now and I am at the verge of tears. Not crying yet. Not going too. I have accepted this but you know me..i’m soft. I need to be stronger. Anyway, the day started wonderfully. The weather was gloomy and grey clouds hung on the sky like attentive friends. This is my cup of tea. I love weather like this. The first person that wishes me was Keith. It was the sweetest message. Actually he sent two messages from London. Both were sweet and one woke me up at 4.30am. I seem to be waking up at that hour lately. Don’t really know why 4.30am. I am baffle by it but it’s so intriguing that we might have a contender to the Davinci Code. D 4.30 am Code? Okay I am ranting, I know. It’s my birthday and my blog and I am entitled for some zaniness in my life. Okay after the wishes, I couldn’t sleep much. When i was in the car, Hamid made me laugh with his wishes. It was funny. I bumped into him later that day and he wished me again. I had breakfast with Alex and six guys including the boss. It was ok. The whole morning was filled with meetings, one after another. By the time we are done it was 12.30pm. I got a bouquet of roses from sis. It was sweet of her. She knows how I like flowers. Every year without fail, she will send me a bouquet and a cake will be waiting at home. I love the roses and I also love sun flowers and daisies. I asked Alex to drop me off at the swimming pool on her way to SACC mall with Jonah. I swam my usual 20 lapse but Uni’s pool is a bit crowded. It makes me swallow water when I have to maneuver myself to the right and left when there are people coming towards me from all sides. They love swimming horizontally instead of vertically. But I finished my lapse and waited outside for Alex. There was a lady there; Sherina, she said she recognized me for a training program that we had gone to it seems. She told me the name of the training and I have not gone to that somehow. Anyway, we chatted for quiet a while then she left with her hubby. I was alone for about 10 minutes. I was in my baju kurung, no make up and my hair was wet. I sat there then I heard whistling. I looked and I saw two boys about 10 meters away. One of them was wearing a beanie. I turned away then I heard “ Awak!Awak! Awak nak cendul tak?! Saya boleh bagi kat awak. Awak boleh bagi kat kawan kawan awak.” I nearly laughed out loud. I shook my head and said” Takpa, tak nak”. Then I heard “ Laksa pun ada, awak nak tak?” . Gosh, there are boys…literally. Alex came and I relayed the story to her and she drove her lexus and stopped infront of the two boys. The look on their faces was priceless. I went to work, then continue working. Frasier knocked on the door and we chatted for a few seconds. I haven’t talked to him for quiet sometime. He seems preoccupied with something and I am preoccupied too…. Hmm. I miss him. Not Frasier! After that I called a cab to take me to my facial appointment. I called many places and none wanted to come. It was outrageous! I called One of the admin staff whom I thought lives in Klang because I wanted to ask her if she can drop me off at the mall. She said ok and later I found out that she lives no where near there. I was really thankful. She text me after that to wish me happy birthday. I’ll buy some lollies for her kids on Monday. I changed into my jeans and tshirt. I went to have my facial and it was heaven. My face didn’t turned as red as before. Vicky said that my skin is getting better. Wel.. I thought so too. Then H and Hannah came, we bought food and take home and eat. I got my cards at 10pm from Hannah and H. Tears appeared at the corner of my eyes. Sad, gloomy, touched and …I don t know. I just wish that. Okay, I don’t want to wish anything anymore about this. I want to enjoy all the attention, hugs and kisses. Don’t want to think , we have waited for a long time for this. Happy birthday to me!

Satu Seraya

The title is the name of her class. Don’t ask me what seraya means. I’ll aks Frasier..he’ll know. My baby is growing up so fast. Yesterday was Hannah’s first day of orientation to the big girls’ school. My heart swelled up with all sorts of emotions. I was touched by the whole commotion. It brought tears to my eyes. This is a new milestone for me. The milestone that opened a door for her to leave and explore the world by herself. I fear for a lot of things, as my primary school days weren’t that wonderful. It was a struggle between getting good grades, getting dad’s approval on my grades and dealing with how I look. I was a late bloomer, I wasn’t and still not the beautiful type so it was hard. Hannah is pretty and she’s fair and not dark like me so I hope she’ll do better in the social category. Most importantly, I hope it’ll boost up her confidence. Because living in this competitive world, confidence is a need that you can’t do without. I was at her school for the orientation, as usual, she’ll turned into this quiet little girl when we left her in her class. I don’t have a good feeling about the school. I am so used of CEC and I can’t help but to compare. I shouldn’t really because CEC is a kindy and it’s private. This is a public school we are talking about. Of course there’ll be some downsides. Many actually. I stayed for an hour for the briefing and went to work because they didn’t let us wait. I kept myself busy. I wanted to cry but I calmed myself down. It’s just the first day of school. I ‘ll cry when she graduated from college.
At night, after the orientation, when we were about to sleep, Hannah had problem closing her eyes. She talks to me before she sleeps, of late. That night after the orientation, she was fussing about how dark it was. That reminds me, I need to buy a night light for her. She drew the curtains so that some light can sneak in. Then she asked me to hug her. After awhile, when I heard even breathing, I pulled my hand and she startled me by asking “do you think there are monsters mummy?”. I told her that there are no monsters. If there is then I have super powers and I can get rid of monsters in a jiffy. She smiled and closed her eyes. I think she’s anxious about going to the new school. Deep down I know that she knew that she needs to go through this alone and that I wont be there to keep her company. She’s a smart cookie.
This morning was her actual first day of class. I stayed till lunch time. I needed to monitor her find her ride after school. It was heartbreaking seeing her dragged her feet searching aimlessly for us. She was supposed to find her ride, we had told her and we had rehearsed it many times. I hid behind one of the walls, looking at her from far. I followed her to see if she’d go to the place she was suppose to wait for her ride. She walked reluctantly towards it but somehow instinct told her that she needed to turn back. She turned back and saw me and my sis. She almost ran back and she hugged me and cried. She said she tried to find us but to no avail. She hugged and cried. I almost shed tears but I stopped myself. I needed to be strong. I told her that she’s a big girl now and she needs to be independent and find her ride because I am not going to be there tomorrow. She nodded but tears were still streaming from her eyes. Gosh! This is so hard. I wish I could just shield her from all this. I was thinking about all the bullying cases and also hideous crimes involving young girls, it made me cringed with fear. Mom once told me that I have to learn to let go and have faith in God because if not we wont have a peace of mind. There’s no use of worrying constantly but prevention is always better than cure. That’s why I am taking necessary precaution. There are a lot of evil people out there. She’s just a baby. I’d go crazy if anything happens to her. Anyway, after the crying episode, she was ok. It takes an ice cream to heal all wounds. It doesn’t matter if it’s Haagen Dass, Ben and Jerry, Walls or McD’s vanilla sundae. There’s something about the icy, cold, sweet and smooth cream that can cool down anger and sadness, ultimately lifting spirits. It puts a smile on Hannah’s face after that. I am happy that she’s happy but I am a tad worried about tomorrow. H said that he’ll go and monitor during lunch time. That put an ease to my nerves. I hope that it’ll be ok. I pray that she’ll have fun and find the joy of learning at the start of this new beginning of her life. I pray that she’s safe through her journey of discovery. If ever she’s derailed, I pray that there’ll be moonlight to guide her home to me. Adios!