Me against the world

It’s not what you are thinking. Everything is going smoothly, well at least most of them but I was finding fault with everything and everybody. I didn’t have any confrontations or anything exciting like that but I questioned everything that had happened, everything that was said and written. I questioned them in silent and I refused to try to understand and I gave up. I blamed it to the long day of trying to be in controlled and to be composed. Entertaining guests can be really tiring and talking properly using proper English also takes a lot of energy-mentally and physically- in you. After the whole day of doing that, I was ready to just not try anymore. This is one of the biggest snags working in an organization where everybody speaks Malay. You try very hard to not get drawn into the circle but gradually you are. Then you started to talk in Malay more and it’s good, especially for me because now I can use ‘warwar’ in the right context and I know that tarikh ajal is the direct translation for deadline and ‘batang ria’ too. I know now that ‘ralat’ is an expression of emotion rather than some tools you need to use in fixing your car! It’s all good but you only realized that it’s not such a good thing when something like today happened. I was tired and the night before because I was sick and I gulped down three types of medicine. This morning I got up at 6.30am and appeared at the office at 7.45am. By the time the commotion settled down, it was already 5pm. Then, the students came and the rest was details. After all that, I gave up. I refused to try, to fight, to question. That’s when ‘I can’t do this anymore’ blurted out. It’ll end there if I don’t talk but if I continued to talk then tears will follow.
Even with H in the car, I have exhausted all the words in my head and the refusal to do anything has a lot of bearing in me not wanting to say a word throughout the journey home. He has not been very talkative lately. I have been busy and we haven’t been talking lately. After six years of being together, muttering 2-3 sentences in half hour still falls under the conversation category. We weren’t having much ‘conversation’ lately and it got me worried, so I tried to get the ‘conversation’ rolling, just to get to the 2-3 sentences quota so that I could give a pat on my back for a job well done, but during the journey home, I went dumb. I didn’t try to initiate any conversation. I stopped everything. It was funny to see H taking over my role as the ‘conversation’ initiator. He got to the 2-3 sentences and he was still pushing his luck by continuing to initiate more! After a while he was talking to himself and me muttering ‘hmm’.
It’s just that I have a whole lot of things to do and next week journey to Brisbane is daunting and intimidating. I am frightened but I want to do it. It’s like going into a big dark cave- it’s terrifying but I still fancy to explore it, knowing that I could be bitten by snakes or other creeper crawlies somehow was not an issue once I have my mind set on going in even though it’s bloodcurdling! It’s just me and I am complicated.