An ooglee

I was ogled at today when I entered the meeting room. That had made me an “ooglee”, it seems. I noticed that a few men started calling me and asking me about my baju Kebaya when I entered the meeting room. I was being fashionably late.Hehe. Dean was one of them. But with Dean, I always welcome his remarks and hellos. He was just commenting on Dr Michael and something funny that we had talked about a few days back. But I had Dr David and Dr Woo coming to me and telling me that some of the men were enchanted by me this morning. Hmm..it’s weird because the kebaya is not new, I have worn it a few times but today I merely complete it with the shawl. Maybe that made a difference. There’s something wrong with the men in this faculty. I have concluded that the spores of this mold infected building have gotten to our brains. The funny thing is that it has different effects to different people. Some ogle, some mutter nonsense, some became mute, , some smiles a lot, some laugh a lot, some eat a lot, some talk a lot, some acquired other side effects such as mental psychosis, gout, massive headaches, slur nonsensical speeches and the worst case scenario is when they turned into a complete koo koo.Sad isn’t it? All those potential down the drain because of poor management of mold. Anyway, with all the attention that I am getting at home and at work and I am no where near being happy. Okay let’s describe my feelings now and it’s 11am. An hour after the meeting. I am feeling tired. Of what? No not because I baked my yummy cheese cake last night. That was a breeze. It took me an hour max. I am excited to get the review since I used fresh vanilla instead of the bottled essence of vanilla. I used the seeds. It looks like poppy seeds and I grated some lemon grinds and wa la! There you have it …the yummy cheesecake. So I wasn’t tired of last night cake making. I am tired emotionally. A collective of past events have succeeded in sucking all the energy out of me. The chirpiness and the peace in me are almost a non-existence. I am tired of everything all of a sudden. I am tired of the banal conversation in the meeting. I am tired of the re-runs of admin work that I have to do. I am tired of becoming this award winning actress in this stage play of my life that I am force to engage. I am tired of orchestrating blockbuster results when it comes to work and meeting expectation. I am tired playing all the wrong parts and feeling something that I shouldn’t. I am tired of hoping and wanting and needing something that is so impossible for me to reach. I am tired of putting on a brave face and happy face for everyone to see. I am tired of planning routine conversations just to go with the flow. I am just tired period. I am also sad. Not because of the weather though... It is gloriously sad today but I like it. I know, complex is nothing near in explaining me. I feel that as if I am living my life but I am on the outside. I am not me. I feel as if I looking at someone who looks like me and being me, leading my life. I am sad because there’s a lot of emotions that has been numbed my circumstances and painful events. But somehow I managed to smile and laugh and go through life as if I have no worries in my life. But friends at work make it worthwhile sometimes. But there’ll be a time when I just want to be gloomy and sad and tired. There’ll a be a time when I don’t want to laugh or play any parts. There’ll be a time when I don’t want to be part of any blockbuster. There’ll be a time when I just want to stay miserable. Just like today…