Monster me

I haven’t been myself lately. I have been everything I am against. I was moody, snappy and I jumped a lot. Not literally. I always tell myself in whatever circumstances, to always give the other party benefit of the doubt. Always think positive and not jump to conclusion but I did that so many times last week that I don’t know myself anymore. It was a hard and difficult week. I had two confrontations with my students. Both times, were awkward moments that I wish didn’t happen in the first place but I came to my senses fast enough to change it into a positive learning experience instead of a negative one. It was horrible. It will always give me this icky feeling whenever I think about them. It’s like finding vagisil in your parents’ bedroom. Eeeeww!
But both times, I was shaken by the predicament. I don’t know what was wrong with me, I didn’t only jump to conclusion but I leaped! It was so unlike me. I had become this monster that I didn’t recognize. There was no compassion or consideration in me that I wonder what had happened to me. I cringed with uneasiness when I think about our confrontation. Another vagisil moment!Stop!
I don’t like myself when I was with my students. With one of the classes, I was angry all the time and I can see fear on their faces but somehow they didn’t make an effort to pacify my anger, they made it worse by not preparing for class. I couldn’t tolerate that especially when they are so young. I want what’s best for them. Oh gosh, I am beginning to sound like my mom! Anyway, I had a self-reflection time a couple of days back. I realized anger and snapping at everything isn’t an answer. Gosh! I had become one of them. I am one of the zombies with no feelings or compassion for others. I remembered when I first joined this organization; I had witnessed a session by some of the staff with some students. They were so stern and fierce with the students that I had loath that session. Looking back and now, I had become one of them. That scared the hell out of me. Please God, I have derailed, pull me back on the right course please. The weekend had put me back in perspectives and I told myself that I had to try harder to go against the current, no matter how hard it is going to be. After all I am a good swimmer. See ya!